[F] LOTR Backstage (weekly parody by Vorondir)

[Vorondir]

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

#1

Vorondir:"*grins*Today for the very first time and finally live on Middle Earth Network we bring you the very shots from the one and only Elrond's Council! (EBN elven broadcasting network all rights reserved)
Here we have.... *goes through file* er... Pippin! Yeah! Pippin of... the... Shire... right... *whispers* Elrond will be out of the dressing room soon, yeah?"
Pippin: "Hi!"
Vorondir: "Hey there Pip! Tell us, so you're here with the ringbearer? Oooooohowexcitingisthatandsuch..."
Pippin:"Well yeah... the other hobbits and I decided to accompany the little brat-"
Vorondir:"Ah, hard feelings for Freddo?"
Pippin: "It's "Frodo"... and yeah he enjoys attention and taking merit for willingness, but he's always been a bit of a slacker..."

*Some months earlier*
Frodo: "Ssssure.... I *could* go for water at the well...er... but I do not know the way!"
Pippin: "Ah snap... Merry go get water"
Merry: *grumbles*
*some weeks earlier*
Frodo: "Sure, I'll go deliver the Shackville-Baggins' invitations... but... er... I do not know the way!"
Bilbo: "Oh snap... Pippin, go deliver the invitations!"
Pippin: *grumbles*

*today*

Frodo: "I'll take the ring to Mordor - b-but I do not know the way!"
Elrond: *blinks*
Aragorn: "You have my sword!"
Pippin: *cackles*
Legolas: "And my bow!"
Gimli: "And my deodorant!"
All: "..."
Gimli: "AXE! He has my axe!"
Frodo: "Cliché"
Gandalf: *reads script* "Yeah that's totally an Age rip-off"
Vorondir: "What??? It is not!"
Frodo: "It is so"
Vorondir: "Is not!"
Frodo: "Is so"
Legolas: "Geez... I'd rather go back to Mirkwood and deal with the LLL fangirls rather than take part in this!"
Gandalf: "GENTLEMEN!"
Elven handmaidens and Legolas: *cough*!
Gandalf: *sigh* "AND ladies"
Frodo: "Dude... Did Legolas, like cough with the girls???"
Legolas: "Did not!"
Frodo: "Totally did."
Legolas: "Shut up!"
Gimli: *hides face*"someone spilt my scull in two with the axe... now"
Gandalf: "PEOPLE! Let us PLEASE deal with the problem at hand? Dear Vorondir here needs our participation in his project..."
Vorondir: "It's more like a collaboration with Elrond and the Elven Broadcastin-"
Gandalf: *nudge* "Dude... let *me* handle this. I know some of the material is badly written and I most certainly do know that no one finds the Legolas-is-feminine jokes particularly amusing..."
Aragorn: *raises hand* "actually..."
Gandalf: "Hush. - but we are already facing the destroy-the-Ring-of-power deal, *tilts head right and left* and only a whole crew and full-scale production can afford to feed the hobbits adequately for the duration of the trip. And I'm sure Elrond will provide free food, and discount tickets for pink elven bubble baths at the gift shop."
Elrond: *slaps his forehead* "Whatever... just... destroy the darn ring, ok?"
Legolas: "Well... the ring *is* tacky"
Gimli: "Agreed"
Boromir: "Zzzz... Woah... wait... what?"

*Stay tuned for the next installment of the Epic Reality Show*
(All Comments and conversation welcome)

Edited by: Vorondir

[Silanna Seastar]

You certainly have a way with amusing dialogue and parodying LoTR characters. Can't wait to read more!

[Enoden]

Can't wait for more!

[Morwen Daegomir]

Great! I love the "....But I do not know the way." Hahaha, keep it coming!

[Vorondir]

Thanks everyone! We've got a long way ahead still

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

#1 & 1/2 (extras)

Vorondir: "Here we go BACKSTAGE and ready to see what our noblefearlessamazingwithspectacularhair heroes our doing in preparation of the Epic Journey to lands of darkness, Ultimate Evil and..."
Cameraelf: *cough*
Vorondir: "what?"
Cameraelf: "get on with it... this thing's heavy"
Vorondir: "..."

*Janitor's closet, Homely House 5 am*

Vorondir: "Gandalf?" *opens door - clouds of smoke burst out*
Gandalf: "What'd'ya want?" *puffs smoke*
Vorondir: "...er... what are you doing?"
Gandalf: "...meditating? Yeah. Meditating."

*Relic Room, Homely House 5:15 am*

Boromir: "Soooo… Short-stuff found the gizmo of power"
Legolas: "Ring of Power"
Boromir: "weird… I had a dream about this, you know..."
Gimli: "Quite ironic given you were asleep the whole time"
Boromir: "Right… and us along with little pink bath foam loving people with a mushroom obsession are gonna walk all the way to Mordor to destroy it?"
Legolas: "Correct"
Boromir: "we’re screwed aren’t we?"
Gimli: "yah… pretty much."
Boromir: "...I know! Why don’t we launch the ring *over* Sauron’s defences with a catapult!"
Pippin: "*cough*rip-off*cough*"
Merry: "youtube is his muse, man, I swear."

*Arwen’s Bedroom, Homely House 5:18*

Elrond: *knocks on door and opens - Elrond's back blocks camera view*
Arwen: "Oh hi Dad!"
Aragorn: "Yeah, Hi Dad"
Elrond: *blushes* "Gah! Ohhh… er… hmm… ya…. Eerrrrr… M-My …er…. Banjo… is not here then - right…."*walks away hastily*
Aragorn: "What’s wrong with him?"
Arwen: "... dunno." *whirls Twister Spinner* "Right hand Blue, hun"
Aragorn: "Impossible!"

*Eastern Balcony, Homely House 5:30*

Frodo: *stares down the riverbank at Gollum*
Gollum: *hides jerkily behind small rocks* "LLLOLZ! I are the l33t, like ZOMFG precious! Teyh RingR0x0rs gt pwned!!111! Rotflmao111 *GOLLUM GOLLUM* we has like lvl 40 stealth skillz 2 ninja the ringZx0r!1 n00bs lolololol!1111 *Gollum Gollum*"
Frodo: "Should we let him know we can see him just yet?"
Bilbo: "Meh... nah, not just yet."
Gandalf: "...Rivendell sho nice. Elrond nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly."*puffs smoke*
Frodo: "errrrighτ... Anyone seen Sam?"

*Hall of Fire, Homely House 5:45*

Elrond: *opens the door and Bob Seagar’s "Old time rock and roll" starts playing in the backround*
Sam: *slides down to the right in hobbit shirt and socks, dancing and lip-singing along*
Elrond: *frowns*"I need a drink"
Sam: *jolts and turns around looking startled*
Vorondir: "Good gracious – CUT!"

[Silanna Seastar]

Very nice. Though I hope Gollum won't spend the whole time talking IMese or whatever...that's just unfair to people like me who never learned the language.

[Vorondir]

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Pants of the day:

"No thank you! We don't want any more well-wishers or distant relations!"
"And what about very old pants?"

#2 (no Elves were harmed in the making)

Boromir: *struggling to walk through snow* "This sucks..."
Gimli: "This sucks..."
Legolas: "WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOO! Check this out!" *jogs on the snow*
Gandalf: "I'll strangle him one day."
Gimli: "Get in line."
Pippin: *stares at the camera in the sky* "That's retarded..."
Merry: "What?"
Pippin: "The camera crew gets to ride for the Helicopter shots and yet we must struggle through snow."
Merry: "Life's unfair Pip."
Sam: *pants* "wait up!"
Frodo: "Stop nagging Sam"
Sam: "Them pink bubble bath foam bottles are heavy sir!"
Frodo: "they were on 30% discount with Elrond's coupons - now hush."
*A roar comes from the mountain and a sudden Snowfall covers everything*
Saruman: *voice echoes* "Teeheee!"
*everybody stuck their heads out of the snow*
Boromir: "This sucks..."
Gimli: "This sucks..."
Gandalf: "Come on People! There's the other side!" *points out down the mountain slope*
Gimli: "Paaah! We should have gone through under the mountain like I told you! This is just too much trouble for nothin'! Down there we would have enjoyed dwarven hospitality and warm food and beer..."
*all Hobbits look up to Gimli*
Merry: "Did he say beer?"
Pippin: "He said beer."
Sam: *licks his lips*
Frodo: "Aaalright people. Back we go."
All besides the Hobbits: "..."
Gandalf: "We're practically THERE."
Frodo: *points down the mountain slope* "Is there booze down there?"
Gandalf: "..."
Frodo: "IS THERE?"
Gandalf: "...no..."
Frodo: "Back again then!"
*Hobbits march the other way and fellowship follows grumbling*
Boromir: "This sucks..."
Legolas: "Woot woot!" *climbs on the snow, cheerfully jogging behind the hobbits*
Aragorn: *slams Legolas on the head with the flat side of the sword*

[Vorondir]

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Pants of the day:

"By nightfall these pants will be swarming with Orcs!"

#2 & 1/2 (extras)

Vorondir: "After a certain kind request we have hired an expert in 1337 speech / IMese to translate Gollum for those not proficient in the Geek Lore."
Orc Scholar: *coughs and sets oval glasses* "Gollum’s line from the extras 1 & ½ , that is: "LLLOLZ! I are the l33t, like ZOMFG precious! Teyh RingR0x0rs gt pwned!!111! Rotflmao111 *GOLLUM GOLLUM* we has like lvl 40 stealth skillz 2 ninja the ringZx0r!1 n00bs lolololol!1111 *Gollum Gollum*"… should be translated as: “Laugh Out Loud (with an emphatic “Z”)! I are the elite, like (emphatic “z” again) Oh My fr*gg*n God (or most commonly known as Eru) precious! The Ringroxors (probably a paraphrase of Ring-hackers, meaning Ringwraiths) got owned!!!!!! Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Arse Off!!! (Here the creature coughs) We has like stealth skills equivalent to level 40 (probably some Third Age Role-playing Game reference) to “ninja” (steal/nick in RPG slang) the “ringzxor” (possibly an inosculation of the emphatic “z” with some form of the word hack/hacker added as an emphatic suffix to the word Ring, inarguably meaning the Ring of Power). Newbs (meaning those that are without skill, the inexperienced. Best to be translated as “fools” in Westron)!!!Laugh out loud out loud out loud out loud!!!!! (the creature coughs again)... *cough* Thank you heartily for your attention."
Vorondir: "Golly, that was enlightening! Thank you Orc Scholar!" *TV Grin*
Orc Scholar: "Where is the goat?"
Vorondir: "What?"
Orc Scholar: "The Goat. My contract clearly mentions a goat."
Vorondir: "Goat wait wh.."
Cameraelf: *snickers*
Vorondir: *sigh*"Shut that camera off..."

[Enoden]

Pants of the day:

"By nightfall these pants will be swarming with Orcs!"

...Newbs (meaning those that are without skill, the inexperienced.

[The TARDIS]

*laughs her head off, picks it up again, and laughs some more* Great job, Vorondir! It's wonderful! *continues laughing*

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

I have found this place... I must admit it is very funny!

[Silanna Seastar]

*leads a goat onstage for the Orc translator* Thank you foryour help! Gollum's speech now makesslightly more sense to me.




Saruman isn't the only one Teehee-ing around here. Keep it up, please!

[Lunia]

Swish. lol. very funny keep writing. xx

[Vorondir]

Elrond: "Hey..."
Vorondir: "oh - hey..."
Elrond: "... sooo. It's Monday."
Vorondir: "Yeah, I know."
Elrond: "where's the instalment?"
Vorondir: "oh... yeah.. that... "
Elrond: "..."
Vorondir: "I know you're co-producer and all, but don't be so pushy! I'm - I'm working on it! It'll just take a couple o' days more! It's a long way down the mountain, you know..."
Elrond: *frowns* "and what we're gonna do now?"
Vorondir: "oh... you know. Give 'em a trailer and some more extras..."

*****

Gollum: "WrtR iz v. tired & has teh bluez - no new epsode 2day, kk-thnx-bye..."

The Next Instalment of the Epic Reality Show - Coming Soon

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Pants of the day:

"I don’t think he knows about second pants, Pippin."

#2 & 3/4 (more extras - if you don't get the joke see here)

Gimli: "Sooo… there’s an elf maiden that you ditched"
Vorondir: "I did NOT ditch her!"
Gimli: "-whatever- and now you have a hobbit somehow related to the maiden and the maiden’s father after you…"
Vorondir: "well… sort of… yeah. You guys gonna help right?"
Gimli: "Lad, I’m not getting anywhere between you and a psychotic hobbit lass that wants to “de-man” you."
Aragorn: "Ditto"
Boromir: "I’d like the contents of my pants to stay in my pants." *wise nod*
Merry: "I thought Gondor needed no pants!"
Pippin: *snickers*
Legolas: "Dude you’re like lucky the father ain’t up to something worse… Most fathers of fair elf maidens are uber-protective… they would, like, rather send the fiancé on some sort of impossible, suicidal mission in lands of utter darkness with wacky companions before considering…"
Aragorn: "WHAT?"
Legolas: "what?"
Orc Scholar: *BURP*
Frodo: "that’s…"
Sam: "gross…"
Orc Scholar: *snorts* "you just don’t know how to appreciate a good goat…"

*The production would like to thank Silana Seastar for the free goat*

[Silanna Seastar]

Anytime.

[Enoden]

"Impossible, suicidal mission in lands of utter darkness with wacky companions"
Beren, Aragorn, so true.

[The TARDIS]

I loved the suicidal mission thing...It's wonderful! I love it! *hugs parody*

[Enoden]

*bumptious*

[Vorondir]

After the long hiatus, and due to recent hugging and much more recent bumping, the Weekly Epic Reality Show resumes

*In the Dark Halls of the Tower of Isengard a curved figure in slouching over the glowing Palantir*

Saruman: *over Palantir*“Aaaah! Gandalf knows what lies on the path through Moria… and he fears it… Boredom!
*evil dramatic gong*
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. Hahahaha… haha… *snickers* hehe… aaaaah…. *sniff* This is gonna be great… I’ll have TiVo record this one.”

*Some Monstrous Dark Hall some hundred miles North*

Vorondir: *snore* *snort* “Woah…. Dude… did you like…. Wow… trippy dream dude”
Gandalf: “Ah… you’re awake.”
Vorondir: “Where am I?”
Gandalf: “You missed some things… You ate the hobbits’ mushrooms for dinner one night.”
Vorondir: “ And I was sleeping for a month!?? What the heck was in ‘em?”
Gandalf: “Nothing actually. The Hobbits beat you to a coma when they found out.”
Vorondir: “I see”







LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Pants of the day:

"Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of. Never had any adventures or wore any pants."

#3 (that's how I feel too)

*By lake before the Doors of Durin*

Boromir: "I have a bad feeling about this…"
Aragorn: "I am bored…"
Legolas: "Ask me how I feel…"
Gimli: *to Aragorn* "Don’t."
Aragorn: "er…"
Legolas: "Come on! Ask me how I feel."
Aragorn: "Er… Alright. How do you feel?"
Gimli: *sigh*
Legolas: "I feel crrrrrazy! CRRRAZY!!! "
Aragorn: "…"
Legolas: "Crrazy as a coconut!!"


(Camera Elf Capture: )

***

Pippin: "So…. Have you played any new videogames lately?"
Merry: "sure… X-box?"
*camera elf comes closer*
Merry: "Eeerm! Errr… I mean…. Like… What doth thou vex me so with thou nonsense, Peregrin?”
Pippin: “For though art a baffon and thou speaketh pigdin double dutch!”
Merry: “wha’ ?”
Pippin: “Honestly now, those where the two most densely unintelligible seconds of my conversational history.”
Merry: “..… wha’ ..?”

***

Gandalf: "hmmmm…" *caresses the glowing insignia on the Doors of Durin*
Frodo: "what does it say?"
Gandalf: “ 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. USB 2.0 only' ”
Frodo: "what does that mean?"
Gandalf: *pulls laptop out of the robes and connect it with the Doors* “Well, obviously, if you are a friend you’ll know the HTML code to enter.”
Frodo: “They… guard the darn Gate of Moria… with HTML?”
Gandalf: *frowns seriously* “Ancient wisdom that Mo himself gifted the inhabitants of Middle-Earth with. Elves are fairly proficient with it, especially the magical codes for all shades of Pink, for they are the only Masters of Foo, equal to the Foo-Shamans of Mordor.”
Frodo: “rrrrright… ‘kay… now what?”
Gandalf: *on laptop* [ INSERT] Mellon [ / INSERT ]
*Doors open*
Frodo: "Cool."

***

Boromir, Gimli and Aragorn: *trying to calm Legolas down with cupcakes*
Sam: *reaches over to pour a pink bubble bath bottle in the lake*
Boromir, Gimli and Aragorn: "Oh no…"
*Watcher of the Waters emerges with a deafening roar*
Gandalf: "the Watcher of the Waters!!!"
Pippin: "Ok, now *that* ‘s retarded. I mean… hello-o? it is BLIND! The “Watcher”? Seriously?"
Merry: "Perhaps it’s a metaphoric watcher…?"
Frodo: *hanging up-side down from one of the watcher’s Tentacles* “er… guys? Do you mind paying some attention to me here?”
Merry: “pah… attention-seeking little brat….”
Pippin: “Such a drama Queen”
Legolas: *with his mouth still stuffed with cupcakes* "Ah MA conENG! "
Aragorn and Boromir: "What did he say?"
Gimli: “He said ‘I am coming’ “
Legolas: “ADAN Raaddo!” *aims at the watcher*
Aragorn and Boromir: “er…”
Gimli: “He said ‘Hold on Frodo’ “
Aragorn: “ah”
Boromir: “I see”
Aragorn: "that makes sense"
Gandalf: *slouched over laptop* “I’ll be right there! I’m just exiting Safe Mode!”
Sam: *wheeping* “Hold on Mister Frodo! You can almost reach the Babble Bath bottle! A little more to the left!”
Gandalf: *blinks and turns to Sam*“You have a one track mind, don’t you?”
Aragorn: “shouldn’t we… like… be doing something?”
Gimli: “well… we could try to save him”
Boromir: “well he does have the ring after all”
Aragorn: *sigh* “alright….”
*Legolas, Boromir, Gimli and Aragorn charge at the Watcher*
Gimli: *closes eyes, counting tentacles with his finger* “Eenie meanie miny moe, which tentacle should I saw?”
Gandalf: *plugs out laptop* “Come on!”
* Frodo finally falls out of the Watcher’s grasp and everyone charges at the Doors*
Pippin: *pants* “Third base!”
Merry: “A baseball joke? After all this, and you come up with a baseball joke?”
*Door collapses behind them*
Sam: "Papapishu!"

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

very nice to have you back again mellon! *giggles more*

[Vorondir]

Veowyn - Thanks very much!

________________________________

Vorondir: “Oh hey Elrond”
Elrond: *grins aggressively* “Oh theeere you are! Writing are you?”
Vorondir: “Write what? I’m done for the week…”
Elrond: “How ‘bout extras? And you know what? You should double those to cover the hiatus”
Vorondir: “Listen, I can’t just… are you holding a whip?”
Elrond: “GET WRITING!” *WHIP*
Vorondir: “AAAIE! Woah, hold-”
Elrond: *WHIP* “LESS TALKING, MORE WRITING”
Vorondir: “This is Rivendell! Where the heck did you found a whip?”
Elrond: “Arwen’s bedroom”
Vorondir: “…”
Elrond: “…”
Vorondir: *snicker*
Elrond: “STOP LAUGHING!” *WHIP*




LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Pants of the day:

“You need people with pants on this quest… mission… thing.”

#3 & 1/2 (extras - includes "Curse of the Monkey Island" Tribute)

Take #1

Vorondir: "I need Extras... Quick! You two! Do something!"
Aragorn: *glances at Boromir and nods*
Boromir: *nods back wisely*
*Spotlight on the Gondorians*
Boromir: *singing* "oooooh"
Aragorn: *singing* "theeeere's"
Boromir: *singing* "aaaaaa"
Aragorn: *tap-dancing* "hobbit in my pocket and he's stealing all my change!"
Boromir: *tap-dancing along* "his stare is blank and glassy"
Boromir and Aragorn: "I sus-pect that he's de-raaaaaaaanged!" *jazzy finger thing*
Vorondir: "..."


Take #2

Legolas: "Greetings. I will now perform, the Pin Cushion Trick. I will have to ask that all spectators with cardiological issues do not watch this. Now, this is something my father, Thranduil Gerald Weenus, taught me, and it can only be done once."
*walks up to the top of the Moria Bridge's Arch*
Legolas: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Pin Cushion Trick"
*turns towards the chasm*
Legolas: "YO! GOBLINS!"

Due to excessive violence, the following scenes have been censored as "non-family friendly" and will not be broadcasted by EBN



Stay Tuned for more extras and the fourth installment of the Epic Reality Show

[Silanna Seastar]

Whew, I was scared thatyou'd abandoned us!
Highly hilarious, once again. Especially the first extra. And the Watcher sequence. And Saruman's laugh.
When Legolas says "Ask me how I feel", I thought for a moment that he would follow it with "I feel pretty, oh so pretty..."

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

I started laughing... while I was on the phone with my dad, and he was being all serious.... it was great!! thanks for that

[Enoden]

Gandalf: “ 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. USB 2.0 only' ”

Frodo: "what does that mean?"

Gandalf: *pulls laptop out of the robes and
connect it with the Doors* “Well, obviously, if you are a friend you’ll
know the HTML code to enter.”

Frodo: “They… guard the darn Gate of Moria… with HTML?”

Gandalf: *frowns seriously* “Ancient wisdom that Mo
himself gifted the inhabitants of Middle-Earth with. Elves are fairly
proficient with it, especially the magical codes for all shades of
Pink, for they are the only Masters of Foo, equal to the Foo-Shamans of
Mordor.”

Frodo: “rrrrright… ‘kay… now what?”

Gandalf: *on laptop* [ INSERT] Mellon [ / INSERT ]



YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Silanna Seastar]

Whoa...did you just add the "Pants of the day" quotes or have I been overlooking them? They are muchly funny, especially the "orcs" one

[Vorondir]

Thanks guys

___________ . ___________

Gimli: Heeeey! it’s Lego…
Legolas: eh?...
Aragorn: *singing* “See the pretty elf in that mirror there?!”
Boromir: *singing* “What – Mir-ror - where?”
Aragorn: *singing* “Who can that attractive girl be?”
Boromir: *singing* “Which – one - where?”
Gimli: “HUM!” - Boromir: *singing* “Such a pretty face!”
Gimli: “HUM!” - Aragorn: *singing* “Such a pretty dress!”
Gimli: “HUM!” - Boromir: *singing* “Such a pretty smile!”
Gimli: “HUUUUUU – UM!” - Boromir and Aragorn: *singing* “Such a pretty hiiiii- im!”
Legolas: You guys are Jerks!

(inspired by Silanna and Anger Management)



LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Pants of the day:

“When in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your pants.”

#4 (and low lightning is not so romantic after all)

Gandalf: *mumbles in the total darkness of the Hall*
Frodo: "Um... Guys?"
Pippin: "I can't see my own nose!"
Merry: "You do have a rather small nose."
Frodo: "Guys?"
Boromir: "Whose beard is that?"
Legolas: "Don't ask me! I don't have a beard."
Boromir: "Oh... Do you want this one?"
Frodo: "Err... people?"
Gimli: "leggo. of my. beard."
Aragorn: *chuckles* "You sure? You don't want to break off the line in the dark, Gimli"
*PUNCH*
*drop*
Gimli: "ha! Bullseye"
Aragorn: "I'm fine actually..."
Legolas: "I think that was Sam"
Gimli: "WILL YOU LET GO OF THE BLOODY BEARD??!"
Boromir: "But it's so nice and fluffy. Do you use conditioner?"
*loud thump*
Pippin: "ow... ok... ow... found the wall"
Frodo: "Guys?!"
All: "WHAT?"
Frodo: "Something is tickling me!"
Gollum: "Kekekekekeke! Joo n00b!"
Fordo "AAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Pippin: *whispers* "hey who's Fordo?"
Merry: *whispers* "I think that's just Frodo misspelled"
Pippin: *whispers* "right"
Gandalf: *finally screws the small diamond on the staff that lights up with a "Gling" sound* "Grow up Frodo, will ya?"
*the lights reveals Sam lying unconscious on the floor, Merry stealing Pippin's mushrooms, Legolas braiding Gimli's hair and Boromir and Aragorn thumb wrestling*
Aragorn: "YEEESS! I win! YOU lose! I am rubber you are glue!"
Gandalf: "ahem...."
Aragorn: "..."
Boromir: "let's just never speak of this again"

[Silanna Seastar]

Must...breathe...*gasp*...OK, back to laughing

That Moria sequence was the funniest yet.Almostevery line brought a new laugh, andthe scene that the light revealed ("gling", heehee) topped it off brilliantly.

"Always follow your pants"...there's an interestingpicture.

[Vorondir]

Elrond: *in Matrix glasses* "Missssster Anders.... er... Vorondir."
Vorondir: "Ah shootshootshootshoot.... Must-type-faster!" *typetypetypetypetypetype*

Enormous Episode Through Moria and into Lorien, coming soon...

or as soon as the writer can type.
or so I think.
Pah, gimme a break, I only voice the commercials


[u]LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew [u]

[Silanna Seastar]

*smacks thread to the top with a fish, Monty Python style*

[Vorondir]

That freaking id.... I mean the writer is on vacations and forgot the episode he was working on back home


Meanwhile we present you with footage from the latest EBN (Elven Broadcasting Network) meeting

***

*At the Last Homely House Veranda*

Gildor: "Honestly now Elrond, do you even imagine the size of the severance pay if we are to let the very writer off the hook?"
Elrond: "He has been stalling episodes for weeks, there have been no extras for almost a -"
Glorfindel: "Hey, hey, hey, come on now Ellie, aren't you exaggerating?"
Elf Guard #1: *mumble* "Ellie??" *snicker*
Elrond: "..."
Cirdan: "Come on now Elrond, we can't press him all that much. It's his project - he is free like the rest of us"
Elrond: *mad grin* "We're not here because we're free. We're here because we're not free. There is no escaping reason; no denying purpose. Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist. It is purpose that created us. Purpose that connects us..."
Glorfindel: *mumble* "Aaw man, he's going all Agent Smith on us..."
Elrond: "Purpose that pulls us. That guides us."
Thranduil: "Duuude, you're creeping me out"
Elrond: "WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOU TREE-HUGGING HIPPY OF AN ELF? YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS WEENUS!"
Cirdan: "Hey! Calm down Elrond!"
Thranduil: *does the peace sign* "Yeaaaah brothah you need to chill"
Elrond: *runs his palm over his face* "Yeah, yeah I know... It's just all this and the Arwen deal is getting on my nerves"
Thranduil: "Wassup with Arwen?"
Elrond: *in mocking girly voice* "DaddyIwantnewshoes, daddyIwantapony, daddy I want to marry the King of the Dunadain, niahniahniah niah niah"
All: "..."
Glorfindel: "eeer..."
Gildor: "the point is we're still short on budget..."
Elrond: "Fiiine, fine... I'll tell Vorondir to sack Baromir or someone"
Elf Guard #2: "Boromir... sir..."
Elrond: "WHATEVER."
Vorondir: *walks in* "'m'I late?m' Late aren't I? Aren't I late?"
Cirdan: "YES. You are late. Who's your friend?"
Vorondir: "Oh, that's a guy I brought along. He's a master, he does councils and stuff... thought he might help..."
Yoda: "Hrrmmm... A disturbance in the course, I can feel."
Vorondir: *snickers* "Hehehe... course, hehe.... like force, you know, but about the show, the course... of the show!"
*crickets chirp*
Cirdan: "..."
Elrond: "What?! You CAN'T bring along characters of wholly different fictional universes!"
Vorondir: *stubbornly* "... why not?"
Elrond: "you jus.... BECAUSE! It's just... wrong!"
Yoda: "Chill out, this dude must"
Vorondir: "for real"
Elrond: *storming out of the gates* "Get all back to your duties! This meeting never happened!"
Elf Guard #1: "You got it... Ellie!"
Elf Guard #2: *cackle*

***

[Silanna Seastar]

*snigger* Nice to see those 'noble, pure elves' showing their unpleasanter side. But calling Thranduil a hippie is an insult to us hippies. A spider-hating despot who imprisons innocent travelers and then sends his people to fight and die over a bunch of stupid treasure has no place among us.

I know..."Chill out, this dude must." Wise (and amusing)words. I should heed them. Anyway, thanks for the update, and I hope tosee more in the not-too-distant future!

[Vorondir]

Aragorn: "Erm... Vorondir?"
Vorondir: "Oh, hey guys. How's it going?
Boromir: "good enough, good enough..."
Legolas: "ermm..."
Aragorn: "Right. Listen, er, Vorondir... we wanna quit"
Vorondir: "What?Why?"
Legolas: "We wanna form a Barbershop Quartet"
Vorondir: "But there's only *three* of you!!"
Boromir: "Now you're being negative..."
Aragorn: "Plus, we're hoping to get Gimli on board. Here, check out our material." *passes videotape*

***

*All in white tuxedos and 50's hairstyles enter the stage, Boromir on bass, Legolas on drumset with hair tied back to ponytail and 50's sunglasses, and Aragorn with guitar on the microphone*

The Sophisticated Song

Aragorn: *singing*
I wear sophisticated clothes
I say sophisticated things
Everything about me says
I'm a sophistication King

But when I'm with you
Can't seem to find my cool
Yeah, when I'm with you
I just sit there and drool

When you look at me and you start to flirt
I have to wipe the dribble off the front of my shirt

When you ask me what's on my mind
All I can think to answer is... "ftluh-uhaha"

***

Vorondir: "..."
Aragorn: "Yeah, we've mostly done ballads for Arwen and stuff..."
Vorondir: "..."
Boromir: "hey it's cool, we have more material"
Legolas: "yeah, check this out: *singing* And any time you feel the pain, hey, dude, refrain
Don't carry the fat hobbit upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By carrying the Ring a little longer"
Vorondir: "What the??! Hey "DUDE"?"
Boromir: "We thought it'd be cool to rearrange some classics"
Vorondir: "Get on stage NOW, and I might not just kill you in the name of all Beatles fans out there..."




LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


Pants of the day:

"Here are the Pants of Galadriel, I have brought you here so that you may look in them, if you will."

#5 (an enormous chapter and one too many Beatles Jokes)

*Through the dark and boring -terribly- boring halls of Moria*

***

Pippin: "Woaaaah... the halls are Huuuge!"
Merry: "... it's just a model"

***

Boromir: "So legolas is a prince?"
Aragorn: "Yup."
Boromir: "Cool. I am the Steward's son you know"
Aragorn: "Oh, cool. I am the King of Gondor"
Boromir: *snickers* "Yeah, right pal"
Aragorn: "What? I am! I really am the King of Gondor!"
Boromir: "Haha! Bugger off"

***

Sam: "Gandalf, sir?"
Gandalf: "Yeees Sam?"
Sam: "You're all big and mighty, sir, and you know many things, right?"
Gandalf: "Well... yeah, I guess that's about right"
Sam: "Well, you see sir, I was wondering... Where do babies come from?"
Gandalf: "What?"
Sam: "..."
Gandalf: "No, now seriously, What!?"

***

Gimli: "And that's a three loc braid?"
Legolas: "That's right"

***

Aragorn: "And that's my Royal Club ID, right there" *shows laminated ID: Aragorn, uncrowned King of Gondor, Leader of the Dunedain*
Boromir: "Woah, dude! Pappy's so not gonna like this"
Aragorn: "For real"

***

Gandalf: "So... you see... this is really hard for me to explain... well, a child in need-"
Sam: "-is a child indeed?"
Gandalf: "What?No!"

***

Merry: "No way man, Rosie is hotter"
Pippin: "But Merrigold has such a dear soul"
Merry: "Who do you think I am? Death? I don't care about her soul!"
Pippin: "git..."

***

Gandalf: "and just as the bee sits on the flower-"
Sam: "So, babies come from flowers?"
Gandalf: "What? No! That's all metaphoric!"
Sam: "..."
Gandalf: "You know what? Yes, Sam, babies come from flowers"
Sam: "OoooOOooooOh..."

***

Merry: *stares at a Dwarf skeleton, behind a "Healthy Food" stand*
Pippin: "Head... hurts! Too... many... innuendos!"

*Some hours later at the crossroad*

Gandalf: "Pah... I don't remember this part... We're gonna rest here"
Frodo: "Aaaah, just GREAT"
Pippin: "What's he so grumpy about?"
Merry: "We run out of Pink Bubble Bath Foam... we're trying to keep it a secret from Sam..." *grabs Pippin's shoulder* "he wouldn't be able to take it"
Pippin: *nods sorrowfully* "yeah, yeah... I understand"
Gimli: "Did ya..."
Aragorn: "...hear that?"
*mail-elf comes prancing out of the darkness*
Mail-elf: "Maaaail! Maiil for Legolas, prince of Mirkwood"
Legolas: "Oh, is it 6 o'clock already?"
All but Legolas: "This happens everyday?"
Legolas: "Yeah, haven't you noticed?"
All but Legolas: "And how does he find us????"
Mail-elf: *cough* "This *is* the best Elven postal service in Middle Earth, thank you" *hands over the whole mailbag and prances out of sight back into the darkness*
Legolas: "Alriight... lessee... 570 today. Good good, at least 5 less than yesterday."
Aragorn: "You get half a thousand letters per DAY?"
Legolas: "Well yeah, usually... When there are reruns on TV we rise back to some thousands though. Usual LLL stuff, you know: 'PLZ PLZ PLZ marry me', 'OMG you're, like, so hottt!’, 'you're so cute I just want to- wait, what??? ok, now that's just creepy..."
Gimli: *sigh*

*Some few hours later*


Gandalf: *chuckles* “Haha! When in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose.”
Merry: *blushes* “That was not me! That was Pippin!”
Pippin: “Shut up!”
Merry: “Oh what do you know! You have a Beatles haircut!”
Pippin: “Oh yeah? At least I’d be the cute Beatle. Who are you? The stink-Beatle?”
Gandalf: *cough* “I actually meant, I’ve found the right way. Now shut up and follow me”
Pippin: “Alright, alright! Sheesh!”

*Some few more hours later and some dark chamber further*

Gandalf: “oh my….”
Legolas: “hrm?”
Boromir: “What is it Santa Clauss?”
Gandalf: *PUNCH*
Boromir: ‘AAAW! OMG!! WTF? MY EYE!”
Gandalf: *solemnly* “This…. Is the tomb of Balin”
Boromir: “ARE YOU LIKE BLOODY CRAZY DUDE?”
Gandalf: *whacks with staff*
Boromir: *drops unconscious*
Gimli: “Noooo…. No… NOOOOO!”
Legolas: “Aw dude… sucks to be you” *pats Gimli on the shoulder*
Gandalf: “eerrr, yes… how literarily put, Legolas”
Gimli: *cough* “oh well… can’t be helped, can’t be helped”
Aragorn: “are you… alright?”
Gimli: “Yeah, I mean sure it’s sad and such, but what can ye do?”
All: “…”
Gandalf: “You’re Balin’s inheritor aren’t you?”
Gimli: *opens the beer flask, sits on nearest chair and puts his feet on the tomb* “wipe your feet on the carpet on your way in, will ya?”

*Some hundred meters away*

Goblin Manager: “Alright Bob, are you ready?”
Cave Troll: “Oooh… I don’t know Jack..."
GM: "Listen Bob, If you don't like violence why the heck did you enroll for the Goblin army?"
Cave Troll: "I wanted to be an actor! But my mom wanted to continue the family tradition! And I love my mom Jack! I didn't want to break her heart! And now I have to go in there growling, pretending to be some sort... of dumb beast! I have a Bachelor in Literature you know?"
GM: *sigh* "Listen... it is some sort of acting... just.. look big and scary... Looklook, follow my lead: ARRR!"
Cave Troll: "ARRR!"
GM: "Great! Let's go"
Cave Troll: *cough* "Ok... hummmm... lookdumblookdumblookdumb..."

*Some hundred meters away... but... like... the other way back*

Frodo: "Hey, what's 'at?" *points at big book*
Gandalf: "Hrrmmm... it looks like a journal"
Aragorn: "Well? What does it say?"
Gandalf: *opens book and coughs* "Ahem: "Journal made with recycled paper... do the right choice... Day 1: 'Moria v. dusty...', Day 5: 'We're out of Ketchup for the hot dogs... Will have to use Mustard. I hate Mustard. Found and killed some Goblins too', Day 14: 'Goblins have us-' hmmm... this word's faded... oh, no wait, it's just a mustard stain... '-surrounded... running out of hot dogs. Goblins seem to have hired a drummer. Might be building a Rock Band', Day 23: 'No more hot dogs... we survive on the "Healthy Food" stand stock. Dwarves v. depressed. Something scares the Goblins.. Drums. Goblins are coming... this is badly scribbled from there on..."
Frodo: "..."
Aragorn: "Do you hear?"
Boromir: "Drums?"

End of part 1

[Vorondir]

Sorry for some misspellings and wrong prepositions over there... Part 2 plus extras will be here this week.

Also I am writing to announce our return to the Weekly schedule () aaand the very first...

LOTR Backstage - Open Press Conference
Ask any hero
About anything
*two questions per fan*

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

I needed that, thanks Vorondir, you are not Age but you are amazing!

*gets her notepad and paper out, as well as her tape recorder, and pus on her reporter-like glasses, waiting for the Press Conference to start*

[The TARDIS]

Sorry for not passing by lately...but now that I did I nearly died of laughter. This is one of the best parodies I've read in my life!


*looks around, gets a notepad and after scribbling a few questions on it, waits impatiently for the Press Conference to start*

[Silanna Seastar]

OK, that "pants" gag was just wrong. *smacks you with a fish*

Other than that, splendid work. It just keeps getting randomer and better. I especially like the cave troll clip, and:

Pippin: "But Merrigold has such a dear soul"
Merry: "Who do you think I am? Death? I don't care about her soul!"

And the Gandalf/Sam dialouge and...well, it's all great really.

Has the press conference started yet? If so here's my first question:

"Gollum, will you marry me????"

[Vorondir]

Aaw thanks guys! Press Conference start later this evening along with Extras *wears anti-fish smacking helmet*

___ . ___

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

# 5

Part 2

Gandalf: "Quick! Bolt the doors![/b]
Frodo: "We'regonnadiewe'regonnadiewe'regonnadie..."
Boromir: *rushes up to bolt the doors*
Sam: *hands over plank of wood*
Merry: "Pip, since we might as well die here... I've got something to tell you..."
Boromir: *uses the plank to bolt one leaf of the door and moves to the other one* "Quick! Get me a plank!!"
Pippin: "I know about the poems and the romance novels Merry..."
Sam: *removes the plank from the left leaf of the door and brings it to Boromir at the right*
Merry: "What? No it's ab- ...you know about my romance novels?"
Pippin: "You've been writing them 2 years now, you thought you could hide it from me?"
Boromir: *takes the plank and bolts the right leaf moving back to the left* "We'll never make it in time!"
Aragorn: "How soon do you think they will figure it out?"
Legolas: "Oh, I'd say right about the first big slam on the door..."
Aragorn: "Sounds reasonable..."
Merry: "Whew... well that's a shock. Actually, Pip, it's something else. It was not Frederic who kissed Merrigold behind the bushes the day before she broke up with you..."
Pippin: "What?... no... You?!"
Merry: "Yes Pip... Me. I'm so sorry!"

*a thunderous SLAM is heard and the doors shake ominously, whilst wood shards shoot off the main frame*

Boromir: *slaps Sam*
Pippin: "OH YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU LITTLE RAT!"
Cave Troll: "RWARRRRR!"
Merry: *running around the tomb with Pippin after him* "Pippin! You need to understand! It was a moment of weakness!"
Gimli: "My Doors! My beautiful Doors!!!"
Gandalf: "Alright people, gather 'round for a family picture to await the intruders."
Gimli: *growls* "I'll teach them to touch my property!"
*Everybody with the exception of the two running hobbits gathers around the tomb*
Gandalf: "Archeeeers"
Sam: "When do we say 'cheese' ?"
Pippin: "I'm gonna KILL YOU! I TRUSTED YOU!"
Aragorn: *prepares an arrow on the bow*
Legolas: *prepares two arrows on the bow*
Merry: "Pippin you have to understand! There was lots of ale - and Took's strongest ale!"
Pippin: "YOU DRUNK MY ALE TOO? YOU BLOODY-"

*another deafening SLAM covers Pippin's last word - all too conveniently keeping the Parody Family Friendly as well*

Gandalf: "SHOOT!"
Aragorn: *releases an arrow that goes through the gap on the door*
Legolas: *releases two arrows, one of which goes through the camera-elf*
Camera-Elf: "Uuughh..." *drops dead*
All towards Legolas: "What the HECK is wrong with you????"
Legolas: "I'm soooooo sorry!!! First time it ever happened to me!"

(camera-elf's #12 last shot ever : )

Boromir: "Meh, that's what they all say"
Legolas: "He was in the darn way!"
Cave Troll: "RWAAAAARRRR!" *breaks down door and rushes in the room along with a douzin of goblins*
Goblin #1: *charges at Merry*
Pippin: "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, coming through" *brushes goblins aside* "I'm sorry, Mister Goblin sir, that's my kill"
Goblin #2: *in british accent* "Ah... Oh? Is it? I'm terribly sorry, carry on then"
Aragorn: "... odd. I always thought they had a french accent..."
Legolas: "I know..."
Goblin #8: *in british accent* "Excuse me -er... kind sirs? Do you mind getting back to fighting us? Really, hard to make an honest living, fill in the eight-hour shift, if you don't even fight back..."
Legolas: "Oooh... that kind of sounded like Stephen Fry..."
Aragorn: "I know" *stabs goblin*
Merry: "Thanks Pippin, that was close."
Pippin: "Don't mention it. Where were we? Oh right... I'LL BITE A DARN CHUNK OUT OF YOUR SCULL!"
Merry: *keeps running around the tomb* "I can explain, damn it!"
Frodo: *hides behind pillar* "I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie..."
Cave Troll: *looks behind pillar*
Frodo: *terrified shriek* "AAAAAAAAAAH!"
Cave Troll: *terrified shriek* "AAAAAAAAAAHAAAHAA!goawaygoawaygoaway!!!!" *stabs Frodo on the chest sending him flying on the wall*
All: "Oooooooh..."
Aragorn: "That has GOT to hurt..."
Cave Troll: "YuckYuckYuck... were was I? Oh right: RWAAAAAAAAAR!"
Gimli: "RWAAAAAAAR!"
Cave Troll: *girly shriek* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
*Troll faints and goblins run away*
Gandalf: "Alright! You two! It's not the time! Let's make a run for it!"
Pippin: *glares at Merry*
Merry: "You're exaggerating, you know"
Pippin: "Oh you wanna know exaggeration? Try reading a couple of your own pages: *in girly voice* 'Oh, hold me Roger, hold me and I might just not die of that fatal chest wound!' "
Boromir: *chuckles*
Merry: *growls* "Why you-"
Gandalf: "NOT the time, fellows - RUN!"

*The Fellowship sprints across the giant hall and hundreds of goblins surround them - panoramic shot provided by a goblin that nicked the dead camera-elf's camera*

Goblin #1: *in british accent* "Oh my.... it's about tea time"
Goblin #2: *in same accent* "Rrreally? Oh dear, we better hurry - we don't want to be late for mrs Miggins banana tea party!"
Legolas: "Look! The Goblins are retreating!"
Gandalf: "There's only one answer... There is something even more foul waiting ahead..."
Gimli: "We ought to meet Great-Uncle Gerremy's legendary pair of socks at some point..."

*Back in the Tomb chamber*

Cave Troll: "How was I?"
Goblin Manager: "We LOST"
Cave Troll: "yeah,yeah I know, but how was I? You don't think there was a talent scout in the audience, do you?"
GM: *sigh* "Well, you were a little rough around the edges but quite alright little fellow" *pats Troll on the back*
Cave Troll: *grin*

*Back with our heroes on a really long and suspiciously narrow and fragile bridge*

Aragorn: "Why do I feel like we forgot something?"
Boromir: "Dunno... I feel fine"
Frodo: *pants* "Thanks for waiting up, guys!"
All: "Heheeeey!"
Merry: "You're alive!"
Frodo: "You could have paid a LITTLE more attention, I THINK..."
Pippin: "Drama Queen.... oh I forgot, Merry is the one in this fellowship!"
Gandalf: "Shut up! Do you hear that?"
Boromir: "Can't hear anythin'..."
Aragorn: "Yeah, me neither"
Legolas: "Actually, I can hear something..."
Gandalf: "And it's coming this way..."
All: "To block our way on this suspiciously narrow and fragile bridge"

*A deafening Roar can be heard, and dark flames spring from the distand hallway, making hidden goblins scatter - not a second later, a terrible Beast bearing whip and flaming sword appears, walking towards our heroes*

Legolas: "AIE, AIE! A Balrog!"
Sam: "Durin's brain?"
All: "..."
Gandalf: "Bane Sam, Durin's Bane"
Sam: "That's stupid! It doesn't make any sense!"
Balrog: "RWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGH!!"
*Translation: "Who in Sauron's Pants are you guys?"*
Gandalf: "Stand back! This foe is beyond any of you!"
Balrog: "GRAAAAARRRWWrrrrrGRAAAawR"
*Translation: "WTF man? You're blocking the bridge! Move Along!"*
Gandalf: "You cannot pass!"
Balrog: "RRRUAAARWG!"
*Translation: "What the heck??! I just wanna go over to the fridge and fetch a freaking six-pack!"*
Gandalf: "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor."
Balrog: "aargRwaaarrr-"
*Translation: "Ok, Dude? You really need to chill out, ok? We were just role-playing with the goblins back there and-"*
Gandalf: "The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun!"
Balrog: "GRRRAAAOWL!"
*Translation: "What the heck? Don't you be interrupting me when I talk Santa!"*
Gandalf: "Go back to the shadow."
Balrog: "Ieeerk?RWAR!" *makes a step forward*
*Translation: "Ok, You know what? That's just rude, I'll pass anyway"*
Gandalf: "You... shall not... PASS!" *slams staff with loud bang and flash, breaking it on the bridge*
Balrog: "RwAAAAARR!" *falls in the chasm along with the shattered bridge*
*Translation: "AAaaaw, DUNG!"*
Gandalf: "well... that was easy"
Balrog: *WHIP*
Gandalf: *slides off the edge of the bridge and holds on* "ok, now that's not cool" *falls off*
Frodo: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Gimli: "D'ya hear what he said?"
Legolas: "I think he said: 'Fly you fools!' "
Boromir: "Aw, how brave of him...."
All: "oh well"
Aragorn: "Can't be helped, can't be helped..."

*on the way out and in front of lake Mirrormere*

Sam: "Oooh! Snazzy! A lake! Let's have a pink bubble bath!"
Merry: *glances at Pippin*
Pippin: "better you tell him Frodo..."
Frodo: *takes a deep breath* "...ok, Sam? We're out of Pink Bubble Bath Foam..."


*Somewhere in Isengard a distant cry echoes*

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO!

Saruman: *looks around* "What the heck was THAT? Grima are we torturing anyone in the plains this week?"
Grima: *checks agenda* "eeerm.... no, I don't think so my Lord..."
Saruman: "How odd..."

_____._____

[Vorondir]

Here's a little commentary thingy for the extras ... I've always felt that there are many things left untold between Merry and Pippin... And I've always felt those things would be extraordinarily funny...


LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Pants of the day:

"It's just a few cabbages."
"And carrots. And those pants we lifted last week."

#3 & 1/2 (extras - and online chatting)

*some night in Moria*

Gandalf: *on laptop screen* [i]Maia37:'Oh, me? I am tall, slender with shoulder length blonde hair and green eyes. U?'
Precious<3 says: 'Me, m v. hot! lololol! Awsum blu eyz and curle blck haaer. Let's trade pics!
Maia37: 'kk'
[u]You sent: 'myphoto.jpg'


*some dark and humid room a little further*

Gollum: "Kekekekekeke!" *on laptop screen* [i]Precious<3: 'Joo look good! Her'z me'
[u]You sent: 'precious.jpg'

____*____

LOTR Backstage - Open Press Conference
Ask any hero
About anything
*two questions per fan*

OPEN NOW

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

*steps forward, reading glasses sitting at the end of her nose, pen at the paper*

My first question is for Boromir : The rumor out of Minas Tirith is that you have a new girl friend, but no one knows who she is. Would you be so kind, as to tell us some about her?

My next question is for Legolas: We all know that you have plenty of your own fans, but who is the actor or actress that we should be able to find your name on the fan list of?

[The TARDIS]

*clears throat*


I would like to ask a question to the Cave Troll: We know that you like acting, but could you tell us something about your career as an actor?


My next question is for Gandalf: How does it feel to be the oldest and wisest of the Fellowship, and to be with all these other people that are practically children to you?

[Silanna Seastar]

Loved the Balrog translation! And Gimli's comment after the goblins retreat.

OK, here are my questions, since the previous one apparently didn't qualify:

For Frodo: When are you going to realize that Gollum is stronger, smarter, handsomer and in every other way superior to you, and give him back his ring?

For Legolas: What do you like best about living in Mirkwood? The giant spiders, the darkness,the batsor what?

[Riki Tiki Tavi]

Vorondir my friend! you certainly DO have a way with parody. i find it all quite amusing dear! Congrats on finding something you're awesome at! I do hope to read more soon!! ((perhaps a bit more Haldir though...*wink wink*))

[Vorondir]

I would like to thank everyone for your patience and your support (and I think Haldir fans will have their bit soon )

____*____

LOTR Backstage - Open Press Conference
Ask any hero
About anything

*in the conference parlor as everyone take their seats*

Vorondir: "The very first Lotr Backstage conference... begins!... I said, 'begins!'..." *slaps elf guard #1*
Elf Guard #1: "Sheesh, oh right!" *hits gong*


Veowyn: *steps forward, reading glasses sitting at the end of her nose, pen at the paper* "My first question is for Boromir : The rumor out of Minas Tirith is that you have a new girl friend, but no one knows who she is. Would you be so kind, as to tell us some about her?"

Boromir: *sulks* "...next question"
Aragorn: *cackles*
Boromir: *SLAP*




Veowyn: "My next question is for Legolas: We all know that you have plenty of your own fans, but who is the actor or actress that we should be able to find your name on the fan list of?"

Legolas: "Oh.. me?... hmm... definitely Errol Flynn. And Miranda Otto..."
Gimli: "She's hot..."
Aragorn: "For real"


Valeh Eltoran: *clears throat* "I would like to ask a question to the Cave Troll: We know that you like acting, but could you tell us something about your career as an actor?"

Cave Troll: *squirms in tiny chair* "Oh... hmm.. well... my fisrt -um- my first, eh, big break, was when the Goblin chief asked me to take responsibility for the Spring Season festival sights and entertainment, so... um... I, er, decided it would be proper to venture 'Hamlet' in the large cave, you -hem- you know... very large, very gothic..."

***

Cave Troll: "To beeee, or NOT to be-ee... that is tha question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune..."
Goblin #1: "Is that Alfred he's holding?"
Cave Troll: "-Or to take arms against a sea of troubles..."
Goblin #2: "Oh, no sir! Alfred is alive and well in the dungeons! I think that's a dwarf scull actually..."
Goblin #1: "aaaah..."

***

Cave Troll: "I think, um... it was largely appreciated..."




Valeh Eltoran: "My next question is for Gandalf: How does it feel to be the oldest and wisest of the Fellowship, and to be with all these other people that are practically children to you?"

Gandalf: "Oh... ummm-"
Frodo: "-Guysguysguys, check this out! I stuck a penny up my nose! Eeepeepeep! Aaaaawwwww... It fell off"
Gandalf: *scowls at Valeh* "... it sucks."




Silanna Seastar: "For Frodo: When are you going to realize that Gollum is stronger, smarter, handsomer and in every other way superior to you, and give him back his ring?"

Frodo: *looks at Gollum*
Gollum: *seems to be trying to touch his nose with his tongue*
Frodo: *turns back to Silanna* "eeer... one of these days"



Silanna Seastar: "For Legolas: What do you like best about living in Mirkwood? The giant spiders, the darkness, the bats or what?"

Legolas: "The fact that the majority of the crusading LLL girls will be eaten before they can reach it" *wise nod*
All: *blink and look at Legolas*
Legolas: *pulls a letter out of his pocket and shows it to the fellowship*
Frodo: "Iouiouiouiouiou, yuckyuckyuckyuck-"
Merry: "MY EYES, MY EYES!!!!"
Sam: *faints*
Aragorn: "Nasty!"
Boromir: "Hahaaalriiight! My kind of woman!"

*** End of Press Conference #1 ***

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

spread the word
- weekly on EBC (Elven Broadcasting Network)

[Riki Tiki Tavi]

clever, love. love that last Boromir line teehee! *waits patiently for Haldir and perhaps some nasty Grima Wormtongue*

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

*scribbles in her note book,disappointed at Boromir, but a smirkstill stretched across her face* Marvelous! (did I spell that right?)

[Vorondir]

Sorry for the small delay - new episode and extras before the week's end for sure!

[The TARDIS]

*writes down answers and waits eagerly for more*

[Vorondir]

~Backstage Soapies – the truth about Gollum~

Smeagol: “So my personal opinion would be that the Ring veritably constitutes an implicit symbolism for egotism as the perpetual expression of the resultant of human desires as shaped after the very stereotypes the mortal and fluctuant mentality would logically induce…”
Deagol: “…”
Smeagol: “…”
Deagol: “… ahuh. Can I have it now? It’s my birthday and all… and be quick about it – I don’t want to miss my soap-opera…”
Smeagol: “must... not… kill…. GOLLUM GOLLUM!” *choke*



LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


Pants of the day:

"Farewell, and may the blessing of Elves and Men and all Free Folk go with you. May the stars shine upon your pants."

#6 (and it can’t be helped)

*on the edge of the woods of Lorien*

Merry: “…”
Pippin: “…”
Sam: “It’s… so sad…”
Frodo: “Yeah… I know. I miss Gandalf too”
Sam: “Who’s Gandalf?”
Frodo: “…”
Aragorn: *whispers to Frodo* “I think his talking about the pink bubble bath thingy again…”
Merry: “…Pippin? …I am sorry I stole your girlfriend”
Pippin: “…. ok, and I’m sorry I made fun of your novels”
Merry: “…and I’m sorry for kicking you down the slope”
Pippin: “…and I’m sorry I stuffed the bear dung in your backpack…”
Merry: *blinks* “..you did that?”
Pippin: “Yeaaaah…”
Merry: *smirks*
Pippin: *smirks*
Legolas: *watches the hobbits hug and rests his arm on a tree branch* “Aaaawwww… cute”

*An arrow whistles near Legolas’ head and hits the tree, inches away from his hand*

Haldir: *bounds out of the bushes along with two elf archers*“STOP!”
Legolas: “Hey man, relax – “ *puts his hand against the tree*
Haldir: *kicks Legolas on the shin, bring him down on the ground and start stomping him* “MY trees! MINEMINEMINEMINE! MINE! YOU UNDERSTAND? ALL MINE!”
Sam: *opens his mouth wide and lets a small branch slip through his fingers*
All: “…”
Haldir: *clears throat* “alright then…. Since that is clear to all of you… We are here to take you to Our Lady in the Forest.”
Frodo: "Elrond's discount coupons work here too, right?"
Merry: “But she’s a wickedy witch!”
Pippin: “Depends… does she weigh more than a duck?”
Aragorn: *snickers*
Haldir: *rolls eyes* “Eeeevery time…. Put on the blindfolds”
Gimli: “And then what? Jump through a fiery hoop?”
Boromir: “I’m not letting anyone blindfold me”
Gimli: “That’s right - me neither”
Fair Elf Maiden: *walks behind Haldir and gives him a questioning look, holding the blindfolds*
Boromir: *raises eyebrows* “Eeerrrmm… I meant… er… wow… I mean, I meant, please do”
Gimli: *left with his mouth open looking at the Elf Maiden* “…What he said.”

***

*In the Great Tree House of Galadriel*

Celeborn: “Tell me where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him”
Legolas: *bows his head* “A foul Balrog of Morgoth”
Celeborn: *blinks*
Pippin: “Why do I get the feeling this would make a good meme?”
Merry: “There should be a repeatable catchphrase though…”
Pippin: “Yeah… like hum humhumhum humhum hum …”
Galadriel: “Gandalf…” *blinks* “He’s gone???”
Gimli: *whispers* “Hey… Aragorn… Do you listen voices in your head when she looks at you as well?”
Aragorn: *nods wisely* “I think it’s part of the Thousand Year old creature deal”
Gimli: “aaaah, ok then”
Galadriel: *bows her head*
Boromir: *pats Galadriel on the shoulder* “There there Gl… Glad-… Gal... err… Powerful Elven Chick”

*In a moonlit glade*

Frodo: “Can you hear that…?”
Sam: “The Elves… what are they saying?”
Elven Band: *Translation: “Once he wore grey, he fell and slipped away
From everybody's sight.

He has a certain air, as if he's never there,
But somehow far away.
And though he seems afar, like a distant star.
His warmth he can convey.”*

Legolas: “Hmmm… It’s an a capella Camel Cover of Nimrodel … tribute to Gandalf it would seem…”
Frodo: “Aaww, that is cool”
Gimli: *does horned gesture*

***

Boromir: *lies back on one side of the tree with Aragorn on the other*
Fair Elf Maiden: *approaches with a grin*
Boromir: “erm… heh… er… h-hi! Hey there!”
Fair Elf Maiden: “Teehee! What’s your name?” *grin*
Boromir: “Erm… er… me?? Er.. I- I am Boromir!”
Fair Elf Maiden: “Boromir! What a wonderful name! Teehee!”
Boromir: “Um.. yeah, yeah… I –er… suppose it is”
Fair Elf Maiden: “Booorrrrrromir… Borr-Booorr-e-omir! Heehee” *sits right next to him*
Boromir: “Erm… right. Yeah… hehe… it is… a nice… name”

*Five hours later*

Fair Elf Maiden: “Booooorrrromir?! Or more like: Borrrromir! Rwar! Teehee!” *rests her head on his shoulder*
Boromir: *opens his eyes wide and slides his head around the tree trunk to Aragorn*
Aragorn: *smirks*
Boromir: *whispers* “What the heck is up with her???!!??”
Aragorn: *shrug* “She gets excited quite easily.”
Boromir: *whisper* “You know her??”
Aragorn: *frown* “Umm… I think she is my 114th cousin or so, from my great great great grandfather’s side…”
Boromir: *whispers* “What am I supposed to do now??”
Aragorn: *whispers* “You’d better be nice to my cousin dude”
Boromir: *whispers* “Eeerm… alright, alright – what’s her name?”
Aragorn: *shrugs* “I dunno… dude… you don’t even know her name?”
Boromir: *whispers* “Dude, I don’t even know if she has a name!” *slides back*
Fair Elf Maiden: *grins and beeps his nose* “Aaww… what’s that written all over that face of yours?”
Boromir: “I think it spells ‘desperation’ “
Fair Elf Maiden: “OMG! You’re sooo funny!!!”

____.____

Soon, on the Epic Reality Show

Boromir: “ROW FASTER! FASTER!”
Fair Elf Maiden: *on the coast* “Gooodbye Boorrrrromir! I’ll be waiting! Teehee!”
Boromir: “I said FASTER!”
Aragorn: *singing* “Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily….”

***

I really hope you enjoyed it – I’ll try to stay on schedule but things might be a little tougher for me because of the exams. See ya!

[Silanna Seastar]

*restrains the urge to slap Smeagol for adding to the pseudo-philosophy currently plaguing her life*

*snickers at Boromir*

Nice work! And thanks to those who *answered* my questions.

[Morwen Daegomir]

rofl!
“Depends… does she weigh more than a duck?” <<< hahaha! This is all great, Vorondir, keep it up! (I once heard that laughing makes you smarter...If so, I must be somewhere near Einstein level by now...)

[Jingles]

OMG! This is so funny! I especially liked the Monty Python reference!!

[Vorondir]

Backstage Soapies – the truth about Gollum part II

Orc Captain: "My Lord, we have captured the Gollum creature..."
WitchKing: “Prepare the non-stop Flipper episodes”

For the tortures of Mordor are relentless and beyond mortal imagination

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


#6 & 1/2 (Extras – and a Cassandra Claire tribute)

*Some Years Earlier around Middle Earth*

Legolas: *roams the Mirkwood Palace bedroom Halls*
LLL girl #1: *jumps out of the janitor closet all dirty with leaves in her hair*
LLL girl #2: *falls off the skylight* “There he is! Get him!”
Legolas: *squees and runs past the corner*
LLL girl #3: *runs out of the Water Closet with nunchaku* “AAAAH!”
Legolas: “AAAAAAH!”
Elf Guard #1: *jumps from behind the flowerpot* “We got ‘em sir!”
Elf Guard #2: *opens eyes and walks out of the wall, with wall-color camouflage facade*

*a few moments later in the bedroom*

Elf Guard #1: “Sir” *salute*
Legolas: “Sooo… hey… everything under control?”
Elf Guard #1: “Yes sir, all in separate cells…”
Legolas: “Errm… sooo…. do you mind bringing the brunette up here?”
Elf Guard #1: *smirks* “not at all sir… she… caught your attention sir?”
Legolas: “Heck Yeah! I know a scrabble player when I see one!”
Elf Guard: “…”

***

Gandalf the Gray: “Tell us, oh Radagast, what doth thy message be?”
Radagast the Brown: “The Time of Judgement approacheth”
Saruman the White: “So, shall it be”
Alatar the Blue: “What doth excellence be?”
Pallando the Blue: “That is the Grand Query”
Manfred the Slightly Ecru: “Forsooth!”
Saruman: “Showtime Boys!”
Pallando: “Pah! I’m out.”
Manfred: “I fold”
Alatar: “Fold”
Gandalf: *raises an eyebrow* “wwweeeeell?”
Saruman: *narrows eyes* “Flush” *throws cards on the table*
Gandalf: *smirks* “…”
All: “…”
Gandalf: “Straight Flush”
Saruman: “Nooo!”
Alatar: “HAHAaaa! My man!”
Manfred: “NOOO –wAY!”
Pallando: “Woot!”

***

Aragorn: *lying back on a tree next to a soldier of Rohan after battle* “Sooo….”
Rohan Soldier: “Yah..”
Aragorn: “…”
Rohan Soldier: “…”
Aragorn: “…”
Rohan Soldier: “er…”
Aragorn: “hmm”
Rohan Soldier: “so…”
Aragorn: “Horses!”
Rohan Soldier: “Yeah! Horses! I like horses…”
Aragorn: *tilts his head* “yeah, they’re cool…”

***

Kid Faramir: “Daddy, daddy! Look! I wrote a poem!”
Denethor: *reading newspaper* “Yeahyeahthat’swonderfuldear”
Kid Boromir: “Dad! Check this out! I can balance a pen under my nose!”
Denethor: *drops newspaper on the floor* “Oh my…” *sniff* “Daddy’s so proud!”

***

LLL Girl #2: *in indigo pj’s on Legolas’ bed* “there… L-O-L”
Legolas: “No, no, no! Abbreviations don’t count!”
LLL Girl #2: *pouts*

___.___

And that sums up the first Season of Lotr Backstage. As always, comments (on the extras or the season on the whole) are more than welcome.
The Fellowship will be on Vacations on the Magical Shores of Belfalas at least until mid June. However you can all write, to them or any other member of the production, letters of adoration or contempt, and be sure that they will answer (really really).

I’d like to thank you all heartily for your support, as Lotr Backstage would have never been without it.

[Silanna Seastar]

"Manfred the Slightly Ecru" And the Gondorian snippet was perfect.

We'll miss these episodes!! Thanks for enlivening our lives these past weeks; we look forward to the next season.

[Jingles]

Can't wait till next season!

[Vorondir]

Prepare, for the most Epic Adventure you have ever seen

Aragorn: "Men! I will not hide you the truth! Today we might die... but heck, we're gonna do it with style!
Legolas: *sniff* "Dude... that was... so darn Epic." *glances at Gimli*
Gimli: "If you try to hug me I'll rip your spine"

Nine heroes, will be called to save all mankind

Sam: "We're never gonna make it! We are not even half a douzin leagues closer, and we already wasted two thirds of our supplies!"
Frodo: *blinks* "Did your IQ go up when I was not looking, or something?"

Even though only three of them will do the work

Theoden: "A great host, you say?"
Aragorn: "All Isengard is emptied."
Theoden: "And Isengard is a big place?"
Aragorn: "Yup"
Theoden: "We're screwed, aren't we?"
Aragorn: "It is a ten thousand strong army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men. They will be here by nightfall."
Theoden: "sooooo...?"
Aragorn: "We're sitting ducks on a shooting field... in a bag."

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

The Epic Reality Show
as you've never seen it before




Merry: "I think we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin."
Pippin: "No #@%$, Einstein..."




Second Season; This Summer, June 18
on EBN (Elven Broadcasting Network)

Trailer can be found here

[Vorondir]

Early Delivery! We begin;

~Backstage Soapies – the truth about Weathertop~

Merry: “They are coming!”
Pippin: “Damn, dude! I only wanted some bacon!”
Frodo: “Omigodwe’reallgonnadiegonnadiegonnadie-“
Sam: “Don’t worry mister Frodo! I won’t let them hurt you!”
Witch-King: *bounds forth from the ruins along with the screeching Nazgul* “Greetings!”
Sam: *faints*
Witch-King: “Hello ther- OH! For Udun’s sake Khamul, will you shut up, when I’m trying to speak? STOP SCREECHING!... Well… what was I saying? Right… Freddie…”
Frodo: “Frodo!”
Witch-King: *bows on his knees to look closer* “-yeah, right. So, Halfling, it’s a scaaaary world out there, for such a tiiiiny little fellow that you are, with such a heaaaavy ring, you know? Knowhatamean? You feel me?”
Frodo: “Are you here to take the Ring or sell insurances??”
Witch-King: “Ooooh… cheeky! Well, still, let me make my point; You have something I want, I have a big sword. MINE!” *stabs*
Merry & Pippin: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Aragorn: *bounds out of the darkness holding torches*
Witch-King: “Aaaaw, damn!”
Khamul: *screeches*
Witch-King: “Shut up Khamul, I don’t care if you have burn cream…”




LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


Pants of the day:

“Frodo's fate is no longer in our pants.”

#7 (the ending of an Era and new beginnings)


*in the Fellowship’s camp, somewhere along the riverbank*

Merry: “Shoot, man. You know what we forgot to take from Lothlorien?”
Pippin: “wha’?”
Merry: “Salty snacks!”
Pippin: “Hmm… we got this Lembas stuff”

***

Galadriel: *gestures to the handmaiden* “This is our gift to you; Lembas, elven bread”
Fair Elf Maiden: *hands out the lembas and winks at Boromir*
Boromir: *blushes*
Legolas: *frowns and whispers at Aragorn* “Did I miss something?”
Aragorn: *whispers*“Long and highly amusing story. Sucks to be you”
Legolas: “aaww…”
Gimli: *chews on the Lembas and grimaces*
Merry: “This… tastes just like my handkerchief”

***

Merry: “Aaaw… yeah. I remember that.”
Frodo: “Hey guys… I think I’m gonna go take a walk in the woods”
Sam: *snores*
Legolas: “Heeey… is that a swallow?”
Frodo: “-in the very dark and ominously mazy woods…”
Aragorn: “An African or a European swallow?”
Merry: “ ‘Why I don’t know that!’ ”
Pippin: *chuckles*
Frodo: “Guys?”
Gimli: “Hirundo rustica?”
Aragorn: “Actually I think it’s a black Pseudochelidon eurystomina…”
Boromir: “Aaah…”
Legolas: “Cool”
Frodo: *grumbles and walks away*
Boromir: “How do you know so much about swallows?”
Aragorn: *shrugs* “A King has to know such things, you know…”


*some moments later*

Merry: “Don’t you think people might get tired of us quoting Pythons?”
Pippin: “Well… no, but we could always try something else”
* sound of orc-trample on the horizon *
Pippin: “I have a baaad feeling about this…”
Merry: “Good job!”
Pippin: “Thanks!”
Merry: “Hey…. Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”
Pippin: *chuckles and runs away behind him*

*near the high ruins*

Boromir: *gathering branches*“Hey Frodo – wassup?”
Frodo: “NO! You can’t have it!”
Boromir: “…”
Frodo: “…”
Boromir: “the branch?”
Frodo: “The Ring! I know you’re here to take it from me by force! You were planning it all along!”
Boromir: “wha’?”
Frodo: *puts on the ring, picks up log and bashes it into Boromir’s face before running away*
Boromir: “OOOOW! You little…”

*somewhere even closer to the high ruins*

Frodo: *bumps into Aragorn and takes off the ring*
Aragorn: “Oh… hey Frodo – wassup?”
Frodo: “You want it too?? Oh my god! Here! I am giving it to you freely”
Aragorn: *blinks* “Hmm… what were you saying? I wasn’t paying attention… your sword’s all blue and glowy and I got distracted…”
Frodo: *grumbles and walks away*
Aragorn: “You know, you might wanna hide that thing… I mean, a glowing sword? On a secret mission? And I wondered how goblins found us in Moria…”

***

Goblin #1: “Hey do you see that?...”
Goblin #2: “Archibald playing with the flashlights again?”
Goblin #1: “Why no, I think it’s a glowing sword… thingy”
Goblin #2: “ooOooh! Let’s go there!”

***

*Meanwhile, somewhere couple hundred meters further where douzins of orcs charge*

Boromir: *blinks* “Orcs! I am so far from Auckland!”
Vorondir: *walks behind him in portable bush-like camouflage* “Pssst!”
Boromir: *jumps in front of Merry chopping an orc down* “What?”
Merry: “Thanks for that mate!”
Vorondir: “Boromir! Elrond says we have limited budget to make it to Mordor!”

***

Vorondir: “Hola, El Rond! Wass’uuuup!”
Elrond: *frowns* “We have limited budget to make it to Mordor”

***


Boromir: *throws dagger at one orc, trips another and stabs a third* “So?”
Vorondir: “Sooo… the orcs overwhelm you, and you die”
Boromir: “No they don’t! I’m doing fine!” *stab*
Vorondir: “Come ooon! We’ve even staged an orc archer and everything!”
Boromir: *gets hit by arrow*
Merry: “Ummmmmm-“
Pippin: “-What you saaay?”

*To be continued*

Next week on LOTR Backstage;

Vorondir: "You have a darn arrow on your chest!"
*THUD*
Vorondir: "Two!"
Boromir: "I'm feeling fine!" *stabs orc*

Only on EBC
Spread the word

[The TARDIS]

*Spreads the word* I loved it!

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

you are good mellon I must admit.

[Kaldaka Lirinde]

Oh dear... I'm laughing way too much. You have a genius for comedy, that's the funniest thing I've read in ages. *helps spread the word* You and Faldras would make a good team.

[Vorondir]

Thanks Everyone! Here's a little commentary thingy for the extras... Boromir's "I'm so far from Auckland" line is actually a joke of the very great Ian McKellen as Gandalf that you can see here. Highly amusing, very backstage-ish. I am most definite the Cave Troll at the beginning and ending is our very own Bob.


LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Pants of the day:

“Let us hope that our pants may go unnoticed.”

#7 & 1/2 (extras)

Orc Scholar: *puts on glasses* "Is this on? Is this thing on? The red light? Oh, alright." *cough* "The first episode of the second season may not have been as funny as you may have expected, for no other reason than your protection from pshycopathic affections such as; over-extended LOLing*, scalariform LQTM verbosa (a disease that includes Laughing Quietly To Myself, more commonly known as cough-chuckling, getting worse every hour and accompanied by repeated quotes of the parody, until treatment), or in extreme cases shrilling LMLO (Laughing My Lungs Off) - Thank you." *takes off glasses* "Is this thing off? Did you turn it off? Turn it off."

*acute ROTFLMAOWPIMP (Rolling Over The Floor, Laughing My Ass Off, While Peeing In My Pants), not included as it is considered an aftereffect of extended LOLing crisis

***

[i]Coming Soon,by the producers of


Ered Luin's Choice award winning 'LOTR Backstage'

and the pioneering Musical 'Mirkwood Highschool'



Through the Eyes of Gollum

Only on EBN,
spread the word

[Silanna Seastar]

My my, Frodo's getting witty. "Did your IQ go up when I was not looking, or something?" "Are you here to take the ring or sell insurances??"
Excellent, as ever. for your careful work on the Gollumese version. It's not perfect (the -es ending is only for nounses, and the occasional verb pileups such as "might has"are unneccesssary) but we iss jusst picky about these things, yesss, and it's overall very well done. Looking forward muchly to the next epissode, whenever it may be.

[Vorondir]

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


Pants of the day:

"My brother ... my captain ... my pants."

#8 (and hobbits are easy to misplace)

Boromir: *stabs orc* “You are overreacting!” *THUD*
Merry: “Ummmmmm-“
Pippin: “-What you saaay?”
Vorondir: “But you have to!”
Boromir: *sighs* *gets hit by yet another arrow*
Merry: “Ummmmmm-“
Pippin: “-What you saaay?”
Vorondir and Boromir: “WILL YOU SHUT UP??”
Pippin: “Alright, alright…”
Merry: “Sheesh!”
Boromir: *puts fists on hips* “Ok, you know what? That’s it… I’m not dying. I was… like.. gonna think about about it, but now, oh no, you pissed me off. I’m not dying and that’s it” *THUD*
Vorondir: “Pretty please?”
Boromir: “No!”
Vorondir: “Ok, ok! Listen you don’t have to die… you can simply… fall back into Lorien-“
Boromir: “Uh uh, no way! Borrrrrrromir girl is there”
Vorondir: “Who?”
Boromir: “Long story”
Vorondir: *scratches head* “You know… it’s funny, because…”
Boromir: “yeah, you write the scripts, I know.”
Vorondir: “…”
Boromir: “…”
Vorondir: “I mean… one’d think I should know that….”
Boromir: “Yah…”

*Down at the Coast*

Frodo: “That’s it! No one is paying any attention to me anymore! It’s like I’m invisible…”
Sam: “That must be the ring, mist-“
Frodo: “FIGURATIVELY YOU BUFFOON!”
Sam: *gapes at Frodo*
Frodo: “… I meant metaphorically”
Sam: “…”
Frodo: “Forget it… I’m loading the boat”
Sam: “Alright. Goodbye mister Frodo.”
Frodo: “…You’re not going to try to… like… stop me?”
Sam: “Nope…”


*Back at the Old Ruins*

Vorondir: “Deal?”
Boromir: *sigh* “Alright… deal.” *lies down on the tree roots*
Aragorn: *sprints up* “Hey guys… What did I miss?”
Boromir: “Aw, nothin’. I’m just dying.”
Aragorn: “Aaw man, that sucks…”
Boromir: “Nah, it’s ok… I’ve got insurance.”
Vorondir: “Actually… you guys just get dental…”
Boromir: “I hate you.”

*Camp; several minutes later*

Frodo: *takes smug look and waves the last Pink Elven Bubble Bath Foam ™ at Sam*
Sam: *gasp* “Wait up Mister Frodo!” *dives*
Frodo: “Wheeew… Look at him go.” *scratches head and counts rations* “Stop bubbling Sam, I can’t focus… Sam?”

*High Ruins – did you get dizzy with all the scene changes?*

Legolas: *prances up the hill and shoots two arrows, one on orc and one on camera elf* “oops!”

Camera Elf's #11 last shot:

Gimli: *blinks taking a deep breath*"Ok, you know what? I don't freaking know you."
Legolas: "It was an honest mistake!!!"
Gimli: *rolls eyes* "What else is new?"
Aragorn: “Boromir dies”
Gimli: *slices orc incoming orcs* “maybe… he should have… picked… a better time?”
Aragorn: *frowns with determination and marches up to Orc Shooter* “Hey… I am here to avenge my friend”
Lurtz: *rolls eyes and growls* “Your friend is fine… he’s on the tree trunk calling someone”
Boromir: *on cellphone* “Yeah, hey Dad, wassup? Yeah… Aragorn is here… Arathorn’s son, Ar-… what? Yeah, Arthy’s.” *puts hand on the mike* “YO! Aragorn – ‘tis Denethor!”
Aragorn: *grimaces and shakes his head ‘no’ *
Boromir: “Yeah, Aragorn can’t talk to you right now dad… yeah… he’s busy.”
Lurtz: “See?”
Aragorn: *frowns* “Yeah… good point. I have nothing to say against that actually” *stabs*
Lurtz: *growls* “AAH! You wretched Ranger! I’ll gut you!”
Aragorn: *pulls sword and cuts his right arm off*
Lurtz: “Oooohoho! Now you’ve got it bad! You’ve got it bad, mate! You cut my arm off, huh? My arm? I’m gonna get medieval now!”
Aragorn: *sighs and cuts left arm off*
Lurtz: “OW! Ok, you know what? NOW I am mad… You made me mad – prepare yourself fancy pants!”
Aragorn: “What are you gonna do? Bleed on me???”
Lurtz: “Aaaah, I’m sorry. New guidelines from the production. No more Python quoting.”
Aragorn: “Oh… pity”
Lurtz: “Yeah… I know”
Aragorn: “Oh well… can’t be helped, can’t be helped” *decapitates Lurtz*
Boromir: “Hey! Keep it down will ya?” *mutters* “yeah dad, sorry ‘bout tha’. Sleeping? What time is it down there?” *turns to Legolas* “Hey, you know what time is it in Minas Tirith?”
Legolas: “Errmm… I think it’s… +3 West Coast Time” *stabs orc* "It must beeee... around 11 o'clock there"

*Meanwhile - 11:25 West Coast*

Cirdan: “Yoyoyo, we’re back at West Coast, and we’re ready to Pimp Glorfindel’s ride!”
Thranduil: “Yeah maaaaan”
Glorfindel: “….”
Cirdan: “So what do you think?”
Glorfindel: “Yeah, I mean… The bells and stuff on the reins are ok. But my horse…. Was brown.”
Cirdan: “Oh, yeah that’s Thranduil’s idea – we applied a groovy layer of Titanium White on it, you know?”
Thranduil: *does peace sign*
Glorfindel: “Well… alright. But the fluffy will dice have to go”

*Back at the... oh you get the idea*

Legolas: "Hey... where are the hobbits?"
All: *scratch the back of their head*
Merry: *yells from the distance on the orc's back* "Hey! Gil Grissom - we're over here!"
Legolas:They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!
Gimli: "To Isengard?"
Aragorn: "To Isengard!"
Gollum: "What did you say?"

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

sorry I did not see this sooner... I suddenly remembered to check this place, and now you have me laughing so hard that my sister had to come in and read it.... oh and you know what is even greater, I was watching the movies with my boyfriend, and I start randomly laughing at a serious part, because I start thinking of all the stuff you and Age have done to the stories Keep it up mellon nin

[Silanna Seastar]

*does peace sign back at Thranduil*
You continue to rock. Boromir's "death" wasexcellentat every stage.

[Silanna Seastar]

Hey, Lord of the Pants, do you sometimes replace a word with "pants" in book or movie titles? I've been having fun thinking about "Harry Potter and the Order of the Pants," "The Horse and his Pants," "Star Wars: The Pants Strike Back" etc etc. Thanks for the inspiration.

[Vorondir]

Thanks everyone! Sil - I am the Lord of the Pants? I am flattered!
________ .



Boromir: *lying in a boat with Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli around him*
Aragorn: *looks around uncomfortably*
Gimli: *picks his nose*
Legolas: *rolls eyes and nudges Gimli*
Gimli: *frowns* “Heeeey! You made me drop it”
Aragorn: “Soo…. Sorry to see you go man”
Legolas: *sighs*
Boromir: “Naaaah… it’s ok. Vorondir said I may come visit you guys every now and then”
Gimli: *looks around on the ground* “But where did it go!?”
Aragorn: “Aah, that’s cool… Gonna stay in Lorien and heal?”
Gimli: “It was THIS big, I swear!”
Boromir: *shrugs* “yeaah… after my trip to Gondor, I will. I am ok mostly… but when I hold my breath, I whistle….”
Gimli: “You just cost me a place in the Guinness Records, elf!”
Aragorn: “Take care of my cousin mate” *winks and pushes the boat down the river*
*The three stand on the coast staring at the boat float down the river*
Boromir: *singing* “oooooh; If the river was a whiskey, and I was a diving, duck, well I would dive to the bottom, I swear, I'd never come back uuuuuuup.”

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


Pants of the day:

“Blinded by their greed, they took them without question, one by one falling into darkness. Now they are slaves to his pants.”

#9 (and maps are damn hard to read)

*some days later, sprinting on the Northern Rohan Plains*

Aragorn: “Guys… Do you feel like, we forgot something again?”
Legolas: “Mmmmno, not really”
Gimli *pants* “resting?”
Aragorn: “Nono… I mean… Boromir died-“
Legolas: “Sort of”
Aragorn: “Sort of… Gandalf died, and we are after our two hobbit friends… Something’s missing”
*Everyone ponder*
Gimli: “Sam?”
Legolas: “Yeah, where is Sam??”

*somewhere in the East*

Sam: “Mister Frodo, look!”
Frodo: *moans* “What now Sam? A worm again? Or maybe an ant taking a crumb home?”
Sam: “No sir! It’s that Gollum creature! It’s scratching nonsense on the dirt!”
Gollum: *stands a few feet further proving E=mc² with a stick on the dirt*

*back on the northern Rohan Plains*

Gimli: “Ok… so Sam left… who cares?”
Aragorn: *shrugs*
Legolas: “Let’s focus on finding Merry and Pippin”
*All sprint towards the edge of the cliff*
Aragorn: "Legolas! What do your elf eyes see?"
Legolas: *wrinkles his nose and looks under his boot* “Bullsh-“

*The deafening roar of galloping horses sounds from the horizon*

Aragorn: “Come! Quick!” *runs down the cliff and into the plains*
Gimli: *pants* “That’s right kids! Let’s all leave the high ground and get TRAMPLED TO DEATH by horsemen in the middle of the plains! YAAAAAY!”
Legolas: “Yaaay!”
Aragorn: “…”
Gimli: “…”
Legolas: *coughs* “I’m sorry… it was a reflex”
Gimli: “…”
Aragorn: “…”
Legolas: “What?! I am an elf!”

*Rohirrim ride past them*

Gimli: *frowns* “How the heck, didn’t they just see us?”
Legolas: *shrugs*
Aragorn: “It must be the elven cloaks Haldir gave us! Remember?”

***
Haldir: “Here are fine elven cloaks… they shall conceal you in somewhat lush plains of the same hues and colours in the South, especially if horsemen are riding by…”
All: “…”
Pippin: “And yes gentlemen, the freaking odds are low…”
Merry: “Heck, at least they look cool”
***

Gimli: “Hmm… yes, I remember”
Aragorn: “Maybe they know where the hobbits are?”
Legolas: “You are right… YO! HORSEMEN!”
*The whole horde turns and charges towards them*
Gimli: *slaps forehead*
Aragron *coughs and straightens his collar, patting Legolas on the shoulder* “Subtle my friend, very subtle…”
Éomer : *gestures to the riders to surround them and put forth the spears*
Gimli: *opens his eyes wide at the closest spear* “pointypointypointy”
Éomer : “Who are you, and what are you doing in this land?”
Gimli: “We are Bree-landers and we are collecting stamps”
Aragorn and Legolas: *blink* “…”
Éomer : “…collecting…… stamps??”
Gimli: “Yes, stamps. We are stamp collectors”
Eomer: “And why the axe then?”
Gimli: “This is no axe, this is a… erm… very large paper cutter… How do you think we get those wrinkled, wryly glued stamps off the envelope without tearing them?”
Éomer : “…….. I would cut off your head dwarf… if it stood but a little higher from the ground.”
Gimli: “Oh yeah?”
Éomer : “Yeah!”
Gimli: “Oh yeah?”

*several repetitions, insults and explanations later*

Éomer : “So you say those that have been taken and you are looking for are the sometimes annoyingly sarcastic, constantly breaking the fourth wall hobbits Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandyback, both of medium height, curly brown hair of different however complexions, in dark green hobbit clothes, and gray Elven Will-conceal-you-in-somewhat-lush-plains-of-the-same-hues-and-colours-in-the-South-especially-if-horsemen-are-riding-by™ Cloaks, brass shirt buttons, hairy number 42 feet, and rosy cheeks?
Aragorn: “Yes! Those are our friends!”
Éomer : “Yup… never seen ‘em…”
Legolas: “Aaaww…”
Éomer : “We may however, have accidentally disemboweled and burned your friends along with the Uruks that carried them up on that Hill…”
Aragorn: “…”
Legolas: “…”
Gimli: “…”
Éomer : “Here! Take those two lucky horses, whose riders were just mysteriously killed – It’s the least we can do…”
Legolas: “Eerrrr… Thanks?”

***

Spread the Word
only on EBN

Stay Tuned for more extras and episodes to fill for the recent lack of updates due to technical difficulties

[Silanna Seastar]

Yes, you are the Lord of the Pants. And you are thoroughly brilliant at parody. I loved the meeting with the Rohirrim--especially the "stamp-collecting" bit --and appreciated the newly flattering portrayal of intelligent Gollum.

[Vorondir]

~LOTR Backstage, currently on Hiatus~
(Don't worry, future episodes have been written.


During hiatus feel free to ask Questions for the #2[/i] Press Conference of LOTR Backstage (1 to 3 questions each, to any person in cast or production)

[Silanna Seastar]

I started reading Bored of the Rings, a published LOTR parody, but your version is vastly funnier. Hope to see more soon!
OK, here's my first press conference question. I'll probably have more later:

For Sam: Why do you stick with Frodo despite his laziness and constant rudeness to you?

[Silanna Seastar]

Question #2
For Gandalf: What was it really like in the abyss under Moria, and how the heck did you emerge from it onto a mountaintop? I never understood that.

(Other characters could perhaps be temporarily banished from the room if they aren't supposed toknow this yet)

[Salguod]

*nearly dies laughing*
This is now my favorite thread ever!

Question #1:
For the camera elves - Why do you stay under Vorondir's employment, given the constant danger from Legolas?

Question #2:
For Gimli - Was the Biggest Booger record the first that you have attempted to break, or have there been others?

[Vorondir]

Silanna, Salguod: Your questions have been included in the soon to come Press Conference #2 and you still have one question each Keep it up people!


LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


Pants of the day:

"The hour grows late, and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard, seeking my pants."

#9 & ½ (Extras - and scenes even WE were forced to dump)

Vorondir Interviews Vorondir

Vorondir: *sits on armchair*“Here we have with us, the writer of LOTR Backstage, Vorondir!” *recorded claps sound* “Vorondir, you do know, your fans want to know more about you, surely. Here I have a list of Questions I prepared”
Vorondir: *stands up and sits on opposite armchair* “Well, yes, I suppose there must be some silent FAQ” *waves at crowd*
Vorondir: *sits on his first armchair and grins casually towards the empty armchair* “Well, obviously, people are concerned about the title ‘Weekly’, which is so often wronged in LOTR Backstage…”
Vorondir: *jumps and sits on the opposite chair before the camera shot gets there* “Yes, well… a few times I was forced not to use the computer, so I either didn’t get to spend time online at all, or I had to write the material and then retype it… which delayed some of the installments considerably. The very last delay was a combination of my having a lot of work to do, lots of lessons to attend… I was in a bad mood, and let’s admit it… it’s an empty field… you can’t make many jokes about an empty field…”
Vorondir: *jumps back* “How do you feel about comments?”
Vorondir: *slides back to the opposite chair* “Ah… comments. Yes… I must admit, they are very supporting and at times inspirational. If I see no comments at all, I sometime aren’t motivated to get writing a new episode. I love comments and everyone is free to make one, unless it’s a bad comment, in which case he will be thrown into the dungeons with the props from The Lord of the Rings film from 1978, and be tortured repeatedly…”
Aragorn: *walks in holding a beer and gives Vorondir a ‘dude… really??’ look* “Dude… you need material… REALLY”

***

Khamul: *screeches*
Witch-King: "Ah... I do not regard it as a loss.... I still *snickers*.... made my POINT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Point? Get it? ...made a - point!" *nudges*
All Nazguls but the Witch-King: *stare at each other*
Witch King: "And I bet the halfling can really... FEEL IT! *snickers* heehe... heh... like... you know... *snorts* my point!"
Khamul: "..."
Witch-King: "..."
Khamul: *screeches*
Witch-King: "Oh shut up Khamul.... pass the burning cream"

***

Saruman: “We must join with Him, Gandalf. We must join with Sauron.... It would be wise, my friend.”*nods slowly*
Gandalf: *wrinkles his nose with disgust* “Tell me... 'friend', when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?”
Saruman: “Madness?... THIS-IS-SPARTA!”

***

Elrond: “Hello there”
Vorondir: “Hey”
Elrond: “I hope you’ve heard about the new management penalty for employees”
Vorondir: “Um… no, not really; we lose money off the paycheck for each hour of delay, is it?”
Elrond: “No, actually we lean more towards, if you’re late we kill you.”
Vorondir: “…”
Elrond: “…”
Vorondir: “oh”

* New Episode Soon, as the managment demands*
~Keep sending us Questions~

Only on EBN,
spread the word

[Salguod]

Question #3: For Legolas - Can you teach me the Pin Cushion Trick?

[Silanna Seastar]

"I love comments and everyone is free to make one, unless it’s a bad comment, in which case he will be thrown into the dungeons with the props from The Lord of the Rings film from 1978, and be tortured repeatedly…”


Including that hideous perversion of Gollumin the animated "Hobbit." An awful fate for the true Gollum-lover, but too good for anyone mad enough to insult your work.

[Salguod]

Yeah, both of those Gollums stank like Uncle Gerremy's socks.

[Balfur]

This is too funny! You're brilliant Vorondir.

[Morwen Daegomir]

" Lurtz: “Aaaah, I’m sorry. New guidelines from the production. No more Python quoting.” "


*Is seen rapidly creating signs out of whatever happens to be handy*
*Five minutes, one smelly sock, three lintballs, one leaking pen, and alamp (don't ask) later*

*holds up signs and starts a protest* What do you mean, no more Python quoting? This is just... so... wrong!

Haha, keep up the laughs, Vorondir!

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

oh oh I have a few questions.... *is quickly in her reporter look*

Sam: Every knows you are a gardener, but with all the work you have been doing on LOTR, have you found time to "stop to smell the roses"?

Aragorn: Legolas and Gimli are rather competitive when it comes to fighing in battle, but, is there any event that you are determined to be the best at?

Glorfindel: What do you have against fluffy dice?

Keep up the great work mellon nin!

[Vorondir]

Vorondir: "Due to recent protests against our Anti-Python quoting policy, we have been forced to hire elves of the 'Rivendell Fire Station' to hose down any troublemakers."
Aragorn: "Yeah man, it's like 'The Godfather'; you gotta go to the mattresses..."
Legolas: *puts a paper bag over his head*
Gimli: "You said mattress, didn't you?"
Aragorn: "Gah! No! I meant 'dog kennel'!"
Gimli: *sighs* "Now I've got to stand in the tea chest" *stands, pulling Aragorn and Vorondir in the tea chest, singing* 'And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?'
Elrond: "Did someone say mattress to Legolas?"
Gimli: *nods and points at Aragorn*
All crew along with Elrond: *singing* 'And was the holy Lamb of God
On England's pleasant-'
Camera Elf #32: "Hey everybody! Someone said mattress to Legolas!"
*The Whole of Rivendell sings along*
'Bring me my bow of burning gold!
Bring me my arrows of desire!'
Vorondir: "I hate you all, quite dearly, do you know that?"

____*____

LOTR Backstage - Open Press Conference
Ask any hero
About anything

*in the conference parlor as everyone take their seats*

Vorondir: "Welcome all, to the Second Press Conference-"
Elf Guard #1: *hits gong*
Vorondir: "..."
Elf Guard #1: "..."
Vorondir: "wtf was that?..."
Elf Guard #1: *coughs* "sorry... you go on"
Vorondir: "So, the Second Press Conference-" *glares at Elf Guard* "-begins!"
Elf Guard #1: "Now?"
Vorondir: "YES NOW!"
Elf Guard #1: "Sheesh, alright!" *hits gong*



By Silanna

For Sam: Why do you stick with Frodo despite his laziness and constant rudeness to you?

Sam: "Because mister Frodo is brave and wise and great and he teaches me stuff!"

***
Sam: "Mister Frodo, Mister Frodo! Someone is following us!" *points at his shadow*
Frodo: "Sam... retarded sheep are brighter than you" *lights a match*
Sam: "Ooooh! You scared him away sir!"
Frodo: "Damn right I did."
***

Frodo: "Wow... thanks Sam"

For Gandalf: What was it really like in the abyss under Moria, and how the heck did you emerge from it onto a mountaintop? I never understood that.

Gandalf: *muses*
All: "..."
Gandalf: "It was alright."
Frodo: "And how did you emerge from the abyss onto a mountaintop?"

***
*In spacious tungsten-carbide decorated elevator*

Gandalf: "..."
Balrog: "..."
*Barry White's 'Can't get enough of your love Babe' starts playing in the back*
Gandalf and Balrog: *tap foot*
Gandalf: "I like that song"
Balrog: *affirmative growl*
***

Gandalf: "Oh... we battled our way to the top... through every level."
Boromir: "Wow..."
Gandalf: "yeah..."


By Salguod

For the camera elves - Why do you stay under Vorondir's employment, given the constant danger from Legolas?

Legolas: "It only happened once!"
Gimli: "Twice"
Legolas: "Damn it!"
Camera Elf #1: "Erm... the pay is pretty good"
Camera Elf #7: "And we actually don't have to work until Vorondir gets off his but to make stuff up"
Vorondir: "Hey!"

For Gimli - Was the Biggest Booger record the first that you have attempted to break, or have there been others?

Gimli: "Erm... noo, I have attempted to break the longest loogie shot record twice, and I have already broken the record for Best and Longest Orc-puppet show..."
Aragorn: "Oh yeah, he's good at that"
Gimli: "You see... you stick your axe on the back of an orc's head so that it is attached to its nervous system..."
Boromir: *grins* "He made a play out of one of Merry's novels with those..."
Merry: "pfft..."

For Legolas - Can you teach me the Pin Cushion Trick?

Legolas: "Oh... yeah, sure." *pulls a couple of arrows to ready on his bow*
Everyone: *shout* "NO!"


By Veowyn

Sam: Every knows you are a gardener, but with all the work you have been doing on LOTR, have you found time to "stop to smell the roses"?

Sam: *frowns* "I often and vivaciously express my concern about this modern utilitarian lifestyle that defines the workspace and renders the '8-hour-shift' a superannuated cliche"
All: *open their eyes wide and gape at Sam*
Camera Elf #7: *drops the camera*
Sam: *slowly leans on to Pippin and starts snoring*
Frodo: "wow... we just witnessed a momentary wits boost... he's gonna be napping for days"

Aragorn: Legolas and Gimli are rather competitive when it comes to fighing in battle, but, is there any event that you are determined to be the best at?

Aragorn: "Erm... actually, I am not bad at fighting... and I guess I am quite good at grooming stubble..."
Boromir: "and thumb-wrestling"
Pippin: "and Python quoting"
Gimli: "and being a princess-magnet"
Legolas: "and singing backing vocals"
Aragorn: "but I am determined to be best at becoming a King-and-savior-of-my-people-at-a-very-climatic-point-in-history some time in my career."

Glorfindel: What do you have against fluffy dice?

Glorfindel: *sneers* "It's an elven horse... not a greyhound bus..."

*** End of Press Conference #2 ***

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

spread the word
- weekly on EBC (Elven Broadcasting Network)

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

"Thank you gentlemen" *jots down notes*

Vorondir, you are hilarious.... thanks for that, it cheered me up when I needed it.

[Morwen Daegomir]

*notes the hose pointed at her, but feels no need to protest since Python quoting is apparently back in...at least for the moment* I'll just keep this sign handy in case...
haha, I love that sketch Vorondir! This parody is great; I especially love how you include the audience. Am I allowed a question? If so:

For Aragorn: How did you become such an adept Python quoter, and how do you feel about the anti-python quoting act?

Thanks again for making me laugh!

[Silanna Seastar]

*throws a fish at Frodo*
Nice work all around!
I have got to investigate Monty Python sometime.

[Morwen Daegomir]

Silanna- Yes, you do; you're missing out on a world of fun! *prods towards Monty Python sketches with a pole* Go watch zem now, you insufferably silly person!

[Silanna Seastar]

Hey, I just finished the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books and am now busy with Discworld. Monty Python is next on my Randomness list,ifI can find it.

[Vorondir]

Silanna check out the mattress skit ;)

*In response to the belated question of Remus*

Aragorn: "Well... policies are policies. As for the quoting it is a skill of all Dunadain - right Halbarad?"
Halbarad: *chanting* "Oooh I am a lumberjack-"
Aragorn: "-and he's okay" *smiles sheepishly*
________________________ *

LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


Pants of the day:

“Even the smallest person can change the pants of the future.”

#10 (gotta love even numbers)


Legolas: *lying flat on the hill singing* 'i was lying on the grass on sunday morning of last week indulging in my self defeats'
Aragorn: "This sucks"
Gimli: *frowns at a wiener set on a spear next to the pile of scortched orc corpses* "....... "
Aragorn: "And the worst part is, it's the same smell at the last drive-through we stopped at"
Gimli: "*McDonalthor's....???"**
Aragorn: *shrugs*

((* Pretty please don't sue us.

** No, REALLY - Don't sue us!))

Aragorn: "Ok, who's gonna stick his hands in this?"
Gimli: "Draw straws? Plenty around..."
Legolas: *singing* 'I want a girl with a smooth liquidation, I want a girl with good dividends'
Gimli: "Let's just tell him that we did draw straws and his was the short one..."
Aragorn: *points at the Fellowship pin on the ground*
Gimli: "What? 'The halflings of the Shire do not throw good bling in vain?'"
Aragorn: "Sorta; 'Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall'"
Gimli: "Agreed" *follows Aragorn into the woods*
Legolas: *stands up and starts duck-dancing behind the two, singing* <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSdbQLXpmPQ" target="_blank">'She likes me for me
Not because I sing like Pavarotti
Or because I am such a hottiee-ee-e-eeyeah' </a>

*Same place some hours earlier*

Pippin: *lying down on the grass bound next to pippin* "Actually that's not very bad... I mean that's what we do every Sunday"
Merry: "Without the shackles..."
Pippin: "Well... sometimes..."
Merry: *raises an eyebrow*
Pippin: "It was after Fatty's party night, and the Saturday night booze-up..."
Merry: "ooooh gods, you had to remind me???"
Grishnákh: *sneaking up to them* "You little maggots WILL be my lunch, no matter what Ugluk say! Then I will search your remains for the Ring!"
Pippin: "Do they always have to talk that much?"
Merry: *grimaces* "Especially when they never brush their teeth..."
Grishnákh: *growls* "Do you mind paying some attention at your imminent death???"
Pippin: *smirks and points behind him*
Grishnákh: *blinks and listening to the upcoming horse rumble, turns around to see a spear fly through him*
Pippin: "DING DING DING DING! Someone give this perceptive gentleman a prize!"

*the two hobbits cut their bonds with the spear head and crawl into the woods through the havoc*

Pippin: *throws the Lorien pin on the ground*
Merry: "Hey man! What you doin'? That's good bling!"
Pippin: "I'm leaving traces, fancy pants"
Merry: "So??? Throw crumbs! Pebbles or something!"
Pippin: *sighs*
Grishnákh: *coughs* "you... thought you'd..."
Merry: "Hold it!"
Grishnákh: *blinks*
Merry: "Do you even know how many calories we're worth?"
Grishnákh and Pippin: "..."
Merry: "Do you really wanna do that to yourself? All this hobbit fat, all these saturated carbs? Man do you wanna die?"
Grishnákh: *gapes at Merry and shakes his head no*
Merry: "look at you!"
Grishnákh: *looks down at himself*
Merry: "Why? Just why? Why ruin that divine body? Do you know how arteries block? Like SNAP dude... listen to me... go up to the fr*gg*n' mountains, through Moria. You will find a Healthy Food Stand. Go!"
Grishnákh: *sprints North*
Pippin: "Man, you're a golden god"
Treebeard: "Hummm..."
Merry: "humm, indeed my friend"
Pippin: "Hmm?"
Merry: "Hmm?"
Treebeard: "Huuummm!"
Merry and Pippin: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

*Same place present time*

Gimli: "I don't like the woods"
Aragorn: "Yeah..."
Legolas: "yeah..."
Boromir: "yeah..."
All: "..."
Boromir: "What? I said I'd drop by, didn't I? I missed you guys.."
Legolas: "Aaaaaw - really?"

***
Fair Elf Maiden: "Booooorrrromir" *grins*
Boromir: *sighs* "hmmm?"
Fair Elf Maiden: *giggles* "Will you marry me?"
Boromir: *opens his eyes wide as he sees sparkling dots and tastes metal*

***
Boromir: "Umm, yeah... Of course"
Aragorn: "Cool..."
All: "..."
Gimli: "So...."
*Bright Light appears out of nowhere shading the outline of a shimering white figure*
Gimli: "It's a bird!"
Aragorn: "It's a plane!"
Boromir: "What's a plane?"
Legolas: "Mithrandir!"
Gandalf: *smiles*
Boromir: "Santa???!"
Gandalf: *PUNCH*
Boromir: "ZOMFG!!!? AAH! MY EYE! ARE YOU fr*gg*n' CRAZY???"
Gandalf: *wacks with brand new staff*
Boromir: *drops unconscious*
Legolas: *grins* "He's Back!"


*In the meantime somewhere South and East*

Frodo, Sam and Gollum: *standing in front of a blond tourist with backpack, white socks and sandals*
Frodo: "To Mordor... Do you speak Common? Mount Doom? D-o-o-m? No? umm... parlez vous Westron?"

~ * ~

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

my Vorondir amazing, mellon nin. Very awesome

[Vorondir]

Oh! Some of you may have already noticed, but this episode wraps it up neatly with an Age tribute

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

hey, I am sure that you know that I am one of Age's biggest fans, so of course I know that :P

[Vorondir]

In troublesome times

An Epic Journey...

Frodo: "I'll take the ring to Mordor - b-but I do not know the way!"

Of the noblest of heroes...
Boromir: "Zzzz... Woah... wait... what?"

Who would willingly march to the lair of the most Deadly force of this World...

Legolas: "WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOO! Check this out!" *jogs on the snow*


[i]Begun at the Council of Elrond[/b]

Vorondir: "El Roooooond! Wazzaaaa!"

And it now leads to the Greatest Battle in the history of Reality Television.

Saruman: "Grima? Grima! What is on the agenda for Monday morning"
Grima: "Uummm... Ruination of Half the Human Race my lord."
Saruman: "Ah, Good... fit the manicure somewhere in there"


[center]LOTR Backstage-truth is out there... and so is our camera crew

Season Two - To be continued

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

you know, if you really wanted to Age-ify your work.... you'd put in some white outs ;)

[Hasufel]

Legolas: *puts a paper bag over his head*

Gimli: "You said mattress, didn't you?"

Aragorn: "Gah! No! I meant 'dog kennel'!"

What happened to no more Python? Not that I'm complaining, mind you!

I just happened to venture into this forum, which I usually don't frequent (maybe I'll have to change that!), and stumbled across your thread...this is absolutely brilliant! Not only is it highly entertaining by its own merits, but I love your references to other works--whether it be Python, Matrix, YouTube...the references are just the icing on the cake. Bravo, well done, and keep it up!

And by the way, I LOVE the pants jokes! I haven't heard pants jokes in ages!

[Morwen Daegomir]

Hehe... Hasufel- That's right; no complaining about Python quoting or I will beat you over the head with a large fish!
Keep it up, Vorondir!

[Arien Silverleaf]

Vorondir, I just read through all of your posts in one sitting and just had to say THANK YOU for making me laugh! The mines of moria scene with the USB and HTML was hilarious... as was the scene with Gimli picking his nose... *still laughing* I love the "pants" quotes too. It's all good stuff! Keep up the great work!

[Kaldaka Lirinde]

Great work as always, Vorondir. I especially love the elf maid... she's so hilarious! 'Boorrrrrroomiiirr.' Hehe. You're great. Therefore, since you so unfailingly make me laugh, and are really really good at parody, I've dropped a few points your direction. You're the first to be serenaded!

[Silanna Seastar]

I saw the Fish Slapping Dance, and now I go around smacking people with a cardboard fish. It's slightly more socially acceptable than biting.

Your work is as ever. I like the preview (postview?) thingy and, uh, lots of otherbits.

[Taurëllo]

Vorondir: I really hope you are working on the next installment of this awesome thread! These are too funny and you simply can't stop now!

[Vorondir]

I am on it, I'm on it!

[Silanna Seastar]

Oh man, Veowyn's right. You ruined the movies...the serious bits that you spoofed now make me laugh. We wants more!!!!

[Veowyn Girarion Alarion]

Pwease Vorondir? Mellon? Will you make another parody? *puppy dog eyes, and pouty lip*

[Vorondir]

Vorondir: *holding Aragorn and Gimli sock Puppets* And then our heroes reached Medulsend *as Aragorn Sock puppet* and here we are *as Gimli sock puppet* yeah, wut evar….
*sighs* it’s just not the same…
Hotdog: “Yeah man, I know…”
Vorondir: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

***
Vorondir: *gasps and wakes up* “Oh God!.... it was just a dream”
Geppetto : *holding strings* “That’s right Vorondir – soon you’re gonna be a REAL BOY”
Vorondir-puppet: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

***
Vorondir: *wakes up* “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Boromir: “Man, are you alright??”
Vorondir: *pants* “Aaww… n-not really – where am I?”
Legolas: “Um… Middle Earth dude”
Vorondir: “Oooh! Thank Eru! I’m home!”
Aragorn: *pats Vorondir on the back*
Pinocchio: *snickers in the corner*


LOTR Backstage - truth is out there... and so is our camera crew


Pants of the day:

“I don't know Frodo. I don't have any pants.”

#11 (Wow… we’re past ten – subtle Shamus Young and DM of the Rings Tribute)


Gandalf: “And that’s what happened…”
All: “…”
Boromir: “What happened?”
Gandalf: “What do you mean?”
Boromir: “We met you, the camera went off, the camera went back on, and you just said ‘And that’s what happened…’ “
Gandalf: *slaps forehead* “it’s called a Scene Change”
Boromir *shrugs* “Yeaaah… But we still don’t know what happened”
Gandalf: “Oh shut up, you’re supposed to be dead anyway!”
Boromir: “Hah! Look who’s talkin’ “

*A few long moments and questions later*

Gandalf: “And that’s what happened…”
All: “ooooh…”
Aragorn: “So the hobbits are safe?”
Gimli: “And we traveled this whole distance for nothing”
Gandalf: “Wwwweeell…. Not exactly. You have all too conveniently and all coincidentally arrived in the nick of time for accompanying me to the semi-senile ruler of Rohan as Agents of the Free People.”
Legolas: *hums Secret Agent Man tune*
Gimli: “Please shut up”
Legolas: “Sorry…”
Boromir: *scratches head* “I wonder where each one of em little people is doing right now”

***

Pippin: “Ok… I’m in”
Merry: “Hmmm… how bout this one?” *points at tree*
Pippin: *frowns* “oookay… hmmm…”
Merry: “Well?”
Pippin: “Tree. Definitely tree…”
Merry: “Oookay…” *pokes*
Tree: *moves*
Merry: “You owe me five bucks”
Pippin: “#!%!$@$!”

***

Frodo: “Sam…”
Sam: “Yes mister Frodo?”
Frodo: “We’re lost.”
Sam: “How do you reckon sir?”
Frodo: “Frozen trees… penguins… “
Sam: “Oooooh….”
Frodo: “…”
Sam: “…”
Frodo: *sighs* “Alright… since we’re here… You can go look for Santa for an hour or two”
Sam: “YAY!”

***

(The one responsible for the following cliché has been firmly punished)
(Ok, it was me, and no, not really punished)
(But I am waiting Karma to come back and kick me in the bottom, any time now)

Gandalf: “And now that we’re done with flashbacks-”
Boromir: “Technically, the last two were not flashb–“
Gandalf: *PUNCH*
Boromir: *drops unconscious*
Gandalf: “… To Rohan!”
Aragorn: “To Rohan!”
Legolas: “To Rohan!”
Gimli: “It’s just a model”
Gandalf: “Shush!”

*Days later - In the fields*

The Medulsend Guard: *singing* “We're Knights right out of the stable,
We dance when ere we're able,
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Edoras,
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!”

Rohirrimother: “Oh Hush! Here son, eat up your boiled pig’s stomach!”
Lil’ Boy: “But it’s gross!”
Rohirrimother: “Ah ah ah! You know what happened to the little boy, Eonric, that wouldn’t listen to his mum, don’t you? He got lost in the forest with the wolves!”
Lil’ Boy: “So? Do you see any forest around here?”
Rohirrimother: “…”
Lil’ Boy: “…”
Rohirrimother: “And when he got out of the forest, a horse trampled him!”

Aragorn: “It’s a silly place, let’s not go there…”
Gandalf: *raises an eyebrow* “I did not object to the Python extravaganza so far… don’t push it”
Aragorn: “But-“
Gandalf: “-no. And just so you know, you are not being repressed”
Aragorn: “Aaaawwww…”

~ * ~